These episodes have been transcribed by Phil, the first from an internal ABC tape of representative Dr Poo episodes, and the remainder from Warren’s off-air recordings.
134. Collision with Dr Who (1/7)
(OPENING TITLES)
KEVIN
Hi there Poo sufferers. As a result of the last episode, stocks of public sanity have plummeted five points and there’s been a run on the sight hospitals, so don’t bother trying to book in because they are full up for the entire holiday season. Fortunately though, everything has returned to normal on board the TURDIS.
MUSIC: The Infernal Galop i.e. The Can Can music
DR POO
That’s good girls, that’s good. Now bring the gorilla more to centre. No, the gorilla with the red hair. That’s right, now come on girls, twirl those above your head. Good. Good.
DANA
Doctor. Doctor.
DR POO
Not now Dana, I’m rehearsing the finale.
DANA
But Doctor, it’s important. There’s something on the cosmo scanner.
DR POO
OK girls, that’s all for today. And tomorrow we’ll try that same scene without the wheelchairs.
DANA
Gee, they’re getting good, aren’t they Doctor?
DR POO
Well they are the Royal Shakespeare Company, Dana. Mind you, Lord Olivier does look a bit uncomfortable in the gorilla suit. Now where’s this thing on the cosmo scanner?
DANA
There! Look!
DR POO
Denis, come here you dirty little denim swine. I’ll rub your nose in it.
DANA
No Doctor, next to that.
DR POO
Oh yes, I see it. Holy harpic, it’s another time and space vehicle. It appears to be just like the Turdis except unlike us, it has a negatively charged stupidatron field!
DANA
Aw, get off the grass.
DR POO
I’m serious Dana. The two stupidatron fields could interact with each other and this whole situation could become extremely silly. Oh no, look at the imbecilascope. A flow of retardo particles. Hold on to your brain Dana, something monumentally stupid is about to happen.
KEVIN
Oh no Poo gang, what could it possibly be? Could it be an unnamed Queensland Premier with matching wife, or a herd of tap dancing yaks, or possibly the next episode of Dr Poo-oo!
MUSIC: END TITLES
135. Collision with Dr Who (2/7)
(OPENING TITLES)
Kevin
This episode of Dr Poo contains the situation where the Turdis is approaching another time and space vehicle; inducing a flow of Retardo Particles, which may produce strange and fundamentally stupid effects on our two heroes, Tractor Stew and Donut Shop. This episode also contains not less than thirty-five percent pure brake fluid.
DR Poo & Dana
Oo ah, oo ah. Ohhh oooo, aaahhhh?
DANA
(Speaking with the Doctor’s voice)
O Doctor, I feel all, you know, funny and silly.
DR POO
(Speaking with Dana’s voice)
Leaping lavatories, Dana. You’re in my body and I’m in yours.
DANA
(Speaking with the Doctor’s voice)
O Doctor, don’t be disgusting. Get out of my body, I’m not that kind of girl.
DR POO
(Speaking with Dana’s voice)
No, wait Dana, my mistake. We haven’t swapped bodies, we’ve transferred minds. You’ve got my brain and I’ve got yours. O God, no.
DANA
(Speaking with the Doctor’s voice)
Well give me back my brain then Doctor. I don’t want your grubby thoughts all over it.
DR POO
(Speaking with Dana’s voice)
Do you think I want this feeble brain of yours, Dana? Every time I try to think rationally, I keep getting recipes of some stupid little cakes.
DANA
(Speaking with the Doctor’s voice)
O yes you mean those lovely little ones with the butterfly wings and the cream?
DR POO
(Speaking with Dana’s voice)
O shut up Dana and stop thinking like that. You’ll wear out all my neutrinos.
DANA
(Speaking with the Doctor’s voice)
Well it’s not my fault. I didn’t ask for your brain, I hate it. I want to go home.
(DANA CRIES)
DR POO
(Speaking with Dana’s voice)
There, there Dana, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. But look Dana, it’s up to you to use my brain to get us out of this mess.
DANA
(Speaking with the Doctor’s voice)
But where will I start Doctor? There are so many big words here in your head.
DR POO
(Speaking with Dana’s voice)
Start in the top left hand corner, Dana.
DANA
(Speaking with the Doctor’s voice)
Um, philosophy, metaphysics, ah ethics.
DR POO
(Speaking with Dana’s voice)
No below that.
DANA
(Speaking with the Doctor’s voice)
Oh, rubber appliances?
DR POO
(Speaking with Dana’s voice)
Not that low.
DANA
(Speaking with the Doctor’s voice)
Noddy and Big Ears, a hundred explicit photographs?
DR POO
(Speaking with Dana’s voice)
Oh, this will take forever. Come on, Kevin, announce the end of the episode.
KEVIN
Meow.
DR POO
(Speaking with Dana’s voice)
Good God Kevin! Denis, you had better do it.
DENIS
(Speaking with Kevin’s voice)
Right Doctor. Well, our two heroes are completely beside themselves. How will they get out of it and what’s happened to that other mysterious time and space vehicle? How should I know? My brain is full of kitty litter, which contains two thirds of the average daily requirements of Dana, sorry Dr Poo-oo!
MUSIC: END TITLES
136. Collision with Dr Who (3/7)
(OPENING TITLES)
Kevin
Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow…
Denis
(Speaking with Kevin’s voice)
Forget it Kevin. I, Denis the Denim Cat will introduce this episode. I can see that you’re confused Poo fans but there is a simple explanation; there’s just been a general reshuffling of brains aboard the Turdis. That’s all. I’m Denis the Denim Cat. How do you so? And I’ve got the brain of Kevin the Announcer, who has got my body, so he looks like me but I sound like him and now I make a lot of money for a cat.
Kevin
Meow!
Denis
(Speaking with Kevin’s voice)
I know Kevin, you’re upset but stiff bickies. Anyway, the Doctor now has Dana’s brain, which seems a bit unfair and Dana has the Doctor’s brain which is a ridiculous waste of resources. All clear? Good. Now where’s that bowl of milk?
Kevin
Meow
Denis
(Speaking with Kevin’s voice)
Thanks Kevin.
Dana
(Speaking with the Doctor’s voice)
Er err, errr.
Dr Poo
(Speaking with Dana’s voice)
Think Dana think.
Dana
(Speaking with the Doctor’s voice)
It’s no use, Doctor, I can’t think with your brain. Now we’ll never get out of this mess.
(Dana cries)
Dr Poo
(Speaking with Dana’s voice)
Pull yourself together, Dana.
Denis
(Speaking with Kevin’s voice)
That’s Doctor talking.
Dana
(Speaking with the Doctor’s voice)
Shut up Denis.
Denis
(Speaking with Kevin’s voice)
Yep, that’s him.
Dr Poo
(Speaking with Dana’s voice)
Now Dana, somewhere in my head is the key to this whole problem. Think, Dana, think.
Dana
(Speaking with the Doctor’s voice)
Uhm, oh, er retardo particles…
Dr Poo
(Speaking with Dana’s voice)
That’s it, Dana, that’s it.
Dana
(Speaking with the Doctor’s voice)
Ah because we’re approaching another time and space machine, the stupidatron fields of that vehicle and the Turdis interacted to create a retardo effect that made something incredibly stupid happen.
Dr Poo
(Speaking with Dana’s voice)
Something incredibly stupid. Of course, we’ve all got the wrong scripts. Quick everyone, change scripts.
Sound of scripts being passed between characters
Dr Poo
Ah, that’s better. It’s so good to feel myself again. How do you feel Dana?
Dana
Meow.
Dr Poo
Denis, give Dana back her script.
Denis
(Speaking with Dana’s voice)
O all right.
SOUND: Denis passes Dana’s script to her
Dana
Thank you Denis.
Denis
Meow.
Dr Poo
Now right Dana. How far away is that other time and space machine?
Dana
I don’t know.
Dr Poo
Check the cosmos scanner.
Dana
All right. Oo here it is. Ah, three feet and closing fast. Oo…
Sound of brakes screeching and an impact with the other machine
Kevin
Oh what a nasty smash and were they strapped in? Make sure you’re strapped in, for when we drive you head on into the next brick wall of Dr Poo-oo!
MUSIC: End titles
137. Collision with Dr Who (4/7)
(OPENING TITLES)
Kevin
In our last exciting Eric Toad, the Doctor by cleverly managing to…
SOUND: Knock at the door
O what is it?
Eric Toad
Hello, I’m the exciting Mr Eric Toad and I strongly object to the use of my name in an attempt on a pun from the word; episode.
Kevin
I’m sorry but that’s the sort of thing our audience expects. A recent survey we did shows that three percent of the audience liked bad puns. For two percent, bad puns made them want to go out and shoot their grandmothers. One percent didn’t have grandmothers and the other ninety four percent didn’t exist.
Eric Toad
That’s as may be but I am still the exciting Mr Eric Toad. Not a name to be bandied with. If you can’t make a proper pun on my name, then don’t bother.
Kevin
But you can’t make a direct pun on Eric Toad!
Eric Toad
O yes you can. What about Wordsworth famous erotic poem “erect ode”.
Kevin
Get out of here.
Eric Toad
And what about the smash up your friend the Doctor has had. I presume we will see a wreck towed away.
Kevin
GET LOST. As I was saying, in our last exciting Roger Frog.
Roger Frog
Hello, I’m the exciting Mr Roger Frog.
Kevin
Piiisss Offff. Erh. In our last exciting, ah thing, the Doctor…
SOUND: Door opens
Mr Thing
Ah I’m the exciting Mr Thing.
SOUND: Sound of machine gun firing
Kevin
(Takes a couple of deep breaths)
138. Collision with Dr Who (5/7)
(OPENING TITLES)
Kevin
The Doctor and Dana have pranged the Turdis. They’re OK but what about the owner of the other time and space vehicle.
Dr Poo
O what a mess. Are you all right Dana?
Dana
Dana who?
Dr Poo
Forget it, Dana. Now I wonder how the other chap’s machine came out of it?
Dana
It’s coming up on the screen now Doctor. Oo, it looks a bit expensive.
Dr Poo
O dear, it’s hardly been scratched at all.
Dana
Ah it looks a bit like the Turdis except for that light on top.
Dr Poo
It’s a standard one door v8 TARDIS, Dana. It’s designed to look like an English police phone box, everyone drives them.
Dana
How come it’s not damaged when the Turdis is almost a complete write off.
Dr Poo
Well we’re only a parody Dana. They must come from a real universe. I’d better contact the driver.
SOUND: The Doctor dials the telephone
Hello operator, Dr Poo here. Could you get me the driver of the V8 TARDIS please. I’ve just crashed into it. Yes. Thank you.
SOUND: Dr Poo is put through
Hello, Dr Poo here. I’m the chap who’s just crashed into you.
SOUND: Dr Who answers but his words are muffled
Yes that’s right. To whom am I speaking?
Dr Who
I’m the Doctor.
Dr Poo
Yes I know you’re a doctor, I’m a doctor too.
Dr Who
Oh you’re Dr Two, are you.
Dr Poo
No not Dr Two. Dr Poo. And you’re Dr who?
Dr Who
Yes that’s right. Ah how did you know my name?
Dr Poo
What do you mean, how did I know your name?
Dr Who
Well that’s my name, Dr Who.
Dr Poo
O that’s your name, Dr Who.
Dr Who
Yes, that’s right.
Dr Poo
It’s a Dr Who, Dana.
Dana
Who? Dr who, ah Dr Findlay?
Dr Poo
No Dana.
Dana
Ah, Dr Spock?
Dr Poo
No Dana, Dr Who is his name. Now shut up and hand me that pen. Yes as you were saying. Dr Who, care of the BBC, London, England, Earth. Right.
SOUND: Dr Who speaks but his words are muffled
Oh no, I couldn’t let you do that.
Dr Who
O but I insist.
Dr Poo
O well, if you insist.
Dr Who
I have an appointment, you see.
Dr Poo
You have an appointment. Oh I see. Well I’ll just send you the bill, then shall I? It’s very decent of you, you know.
SOUND: Dr Who makes a strange noise and hangs up
Made a funny noise and hung up!
Kevin
You’d hang up too if a parody of a travesty of a burlesque of your TV show had crashed into you, on a cheap radio serial called, no, not Dr Who, but Dr Poo-oo!
MUSIC: End titles
139. Collision with Dr Who (6/7)
(OPENING TITLES)
Kevin
Hey Poo freaks, sharpen up your righteous indignation. Your favourite radio character, Dr Poo, in his fabulous Turdis, has had an accident with another time and space vehicle called, would you believe it – The TARDIS. Driven by some fictional character calling himself, now get this – Dr Who! What a rip off. I ask you, is nothing sacred? We’ve put it in the hands of our lawyers. Need I say more?
SOUND: Police sirens
Dr Poo
The police have arrived.
Dana
Why did the tow trucks arrived first, Doctor?
Dr Poo
Well they used to until the police took them over. Now they arrive together.
Detective
Detective Sergeant Mad Mitts Tow Trucks Smash Repairs and Intergalactic Police Force at your service. That’ll be forty dollars thanks.
SOUND: Opens cash register
Dana
Do you carry that cash register with you everywhere?
Detective
Only when I’m on duty, Miss. Forty dollars thanks. Well, what happened to the other driver, son?
Dr Poo
Well, constable, he said he had to rush off to do battle with a rampaging giant pool table.
Detective
Ah then I’m afraid there could be problems.
Dr Poo
He said he’d pay for everything. I’m to send him the bill later.
Detective
O no worries then. Look I’ll take his forty dollars off you now. No make it sixty dollars, I don’t think I like the sound of this charge.
Dr Poo
How much will it cost to get the Turdis repaired?
Detective
Well that all depends, let’s see. Two hundred dollars with the neg driving charge and ah, four hundred without.
Dr Poo
Oh without the driving charge, I think.
Detective
Ah ha.
Dr Poo
And ah, I hate to ask but when will it be ready?
Detective
Ah well we’re a bit snowed under at the moment, so we won’t be able to get it to you any sooner than um, last Thursday.
Dr Poo
I suppose that will have to do.
Detective
Right now if you’d just like to step out of this time space continuum, I’ll tow your shit heap away.
SOUND: Police sirens
Kevin
The characters in this radio serial are real, and any resemblance to fictional BBC characters living or dead is totally intentional. Only the names have been changed to protect the next alias of Dr Poo-oo!
MUSIC: End titles
140. Collision with Dr Who (7/7)
(OPENING TITLES)
Kevin
Well gang, after the Doctor’s prang with that fancy fictional TV character and his souped up TARDIS, the poor old Turdis has been towed off to the Galacto Cosmic Panel beaters to be repaired. The Doctor and Dana stand alone in the infinite corridors of time and space.
Dana
What’s with this crowd Doctor? I thought we were supposed to be alone.
Crowd
Oooo!
Dr Poo
All right, all right. Oh I hate last Thursday night’s shopping in the infinite corridors.
Dana
Doctor, I still don’t understand? Why’s it last Thursday now? I mean then. I mean now then. Now then?
Dr Poo
Well you see Dana, it’s like this. The earliest that the panel beaters could have the Turdis fixed was the Thursday before the accident. Last Thursday. So here we are.
Dana
What?
Dr Poo
Well Dana, the way these panel beaters work is, they send the Turdis back in time to when it was built. So it’s as good as new and then they mail it forward care of the Thursday preceding the accident. And then we just pick it up.
Dana
Ah thanks Doctor.
Dr Poo
Come on Dana, there’s the Turdis just up ahead. Oh no, Gonzales is waiting outside.
Gonzales
So Dr Poo you finally got here. I’ve been waiting for you since next week. To date the Department of Time and Space has not received your report on the accident which occurred at the intersection of Over there and Next Tuesday and the t…
Dr Poo
I know what happened Gonzales; I was with myself at the time.
Gonzales
All right cranky pants, so you know everything do you? So then, there’s no need for me to tell you that this other driver, this so called Dr Who, doesn’t exist and that the BBC is a mythical organisation. So Poo, you’re up for all the damages.
Dr Poo
Never! Look Gonzales, there’s a spider on your fly.
Gonzales
Where? Where? Where?
Dr Poo
Quick Dana, into the Turdis.
SOUND: Door closes
It’s all cisterns go.
SOUND: Turdis takes off
Kevin
Once more Dr Poo blasts off across the universe leaving a trail of pissed off bureaucrats, hysterical listeners, odd socks and a list of debts as long as somebody else’s arm. Be sure to tune in before they repossess the next episode of Dr Poo-oo!
MUSIC: End titles
