These 3 episodes are taken from a longer storyline featuring Sherlock Humms and Jack the Quipper. They have been transcribed from an internal ABC tape of representative Dr Poo episodes.
Episode 60
Sherlock Humms (cont)
It’s London in the time of Queen Victoria. The killers are thick on the ground and there’s an insane fog on the loose. But where are the Doctor and Dana?
DR POO: Right here Kevin, in front of this door. Now give me that knocker and get lost.
KEVIN: Well if that’s your attitude, here you are and GOODBYE! (Kevin runs off)
DANA: Oh Doctor, you’ve upset him and now he’s gone off in a huff.
DR POO: Well it matches his suit. Never mind about him Dana, we have an episode to attend to.
DANA: Who lives here Doctor?
DR POO: The man who can tell us what’s going on.
(Doctor Poo knocks on the door and it creaks open) HUMMS: Good evening. Come in.
DR POO: Thank you.
DANA: Tah.
HUMMS: Now, how can I help you?
DR POO: You probably know who I am.
HUMMS: Yes, you’re Doctor Poo. I listen to you on the wireless. And this must be the beautiful Dana Sock.
DANA: Where? Oh yes me. Ah ha. What’s your name?
DR POO: This, Dana, is the famous sloth, Sherlock Humms.
DANA: Isn’t it Holmes?
HUMMS: No, Humms.
DANA: Why?
HUMMS: Because I don’t know the words.
DR POO: O Humms, that’s a terrible joke.
HUMMS: Yes Poo, I know and I’m terribly sorry but you see everyone in London is telling awful jokes. It’s the only self defence we have against that mad misanthropic comedian, Jack the Quipper.
(Music plays) Thank you. This madman has been terrorising London for the last mangimum months. Late at night he accosts his innocent victims in dark quiet streets and tells the most awful Music Hall jokes imaginable. Forty victims so far. All of them hopelessly boring.
DR POO: Obviously no laughing matter Humms.
HUMMS: No Poo, it’s beyond a yoke! (Chicken noise – buck, buck, buck)
DR POO: Oh dear. Come on Kevin, finish this damn episode before Humms tries to tell anymore jokes.
(Telephone rings) Hello?
FORKBODY: Doctor Poo? Inspector Forkbody of the Lard here. We have your lost announcer here and you can pick him up in the next episode of Dr Poo-oo!
Episode 62
Sherlock Humms (cont)
<blockquote><i>(Sound of a rock crashing through a window)</i><br>DR POO: Holy harpic. It’s a note with a rock wrapped around it.
DANA: What does it say Doctor?
DR POO: I don’t know Dana, I can’t read rock. How about you, Sherlock?
HUMMS: Hand it here Poo. Hmm, yes, yes very interesting.
DR POO: What is it Humms?
HUMMS: No doubt about it. It is a rock.
DR POO: Amazing, Humms.
HUMMS: Sedimentary my dear Poo.
DR POO: And what does it say?
HUMMS: It doesn’t say anything, it is a rock.
DR POO: But there must be a message Humms.
DANA: Listen to this piece of paper.
DR POO: Very good Dana, but that doesn’t solve the problem of the rock.
HUMMS: There is a simple solution Poo. I’ll play the rock on the gramophone. (Sound of scratchy record being played)
KEVIN: You idiots! The message is on the other side of the piece of paper that Dana is holding.
DR POO: Come on then Dana, read the message.
HUMMS: Yes, it might give us a clue about the rock.
DANA: Ah yes, it says – “And still on the run from the police. Couldn’t get here to announce the episode, so you’ll have to start without me.” Signed Kevin the Announcer.
DR POO: OK then, let’s get on with it, shall we?
HUMMS: Righto Poo. Marked on this map of London are spots where that cold blooded comedian Jack the Quipper has struck.
DR POO: Yes, well there doesn’t seem to be any discernable pattern, does there Humms?
HUMMS: Only to the untrained eye, Poo. For instance, if we were to join the dots, like this and this; colour in these bits here and put some eyebrows up here and a little tail there and there we have it. Donald Duck.
DR POO: That’s incredible, Humms.
HUMMS: Yes but don’t you see, it has absolutely nothing to do with Jack the Quipper.
DR POO: You astound me Humms. How do you do it?
HUMMS: Well you hold the pencil like this and you rub it against the paper. No, no. With the pointy end.
DR POO: Anyway Dana, come and have a look at this.
DANA: Wait a sec Doctor. I’m just going to play the other side of this rock.
(Sound of gramophone)
KEVIN: This is a recording of me saying this is a recording of me announcing the announcement of the other end of another episode of Dr Poo-oo!
Episode 63
Sherlock Humms (cont)
(Sound of people eating)
DANA: O what lovely alphabet soup, Doctor.
DR POO: Yes, Dana. I must complement you on this soup Sherlock. The consonants are delicious.
HUMMS: Thank you, Poo.
WITSGONE: Ymm, ymm, ymm.
DR POO: Dr Witsgone seems to be enjoying it too. Either that or he’s put his underpants over his cricket pads.
WITSGONE: Ymm, ymm, ymm.
DANA: Look! There’s a message in his alphabet soup.
HUMMS: Good Lord!
DR POO: Galloping galaxies, it’s the introduction to the next episode of Dr Me.
HUMMS: Dr who?
DR POO: No not Who, Poo. Me Poo.
HUMMS: Me, Sherlock Humms.
DANA: Me, Dana.
WITSGONE: Me Whh…
HUMMS: Shut up Witsgone.
DR POO: OK everyone, dip your ears in your soup and listen to Kevin’s message.
KEVIN: It’s London in the 1890s and a maniac joke teller, Jack the Quipper is terrorising the populous. At this very moment, the Doctor, Dana and Sherlock Humms are tracking him through the frog bound streets.
DR POO: Great quarks in heaven, this episode’s started already. We’re supposed to be out there in the fog bound streets!
HUMMS: No sooner said than done, Doctor Poo. Follow me.
(Sound of them walking) Out of the drawing room, into the parlour, through the sitting room, into the standing room, cut through the squatting room, into the crouching on a grand piano and doing wicky wacky foot room, and finally outside into the bathroom.
DANA: Some detective! He can’t even find the way out of his own house.
HUMMS: Don’t move, somebody’s kidnapped the outside. Witsgone, get a scent of a piece of this fog. (Witsgone sniffs)
WITSGONE: Blah, blah, blah.
HUMMS: Thank you Witsgone, well done! Have a line of dialogue.
WITSGONE: Blah, blah, blah … next episode of Dr Poo-oo!
