The Time Tap episodes conclude the African Adventure omnibus – Poo fan Andrew Hodson has listened carefully to the compilation and suggested the following episode breakdown. Since the original run of the series ended part-way through the Africa story, we wonder whether these episodes were ever broadcast at all.
The Time Tap – Episode x1
And there goes the TURDIS, nurdling through the void at high speed. The Doctor, the Donor, and Dentist the Dental Cat, out of the blue and into the bathroom.
DANA: (Calling) Anyone in the bathroom? Hey, Poo fans, you can’t follow me in here, I’m gonna have a shower!
(Knocking)
DR POO: (Outside the door) Dana, are the Poo fans in there with you?
DANA: Um, sort of!
DR POO: What are you all doing in there?
DANA: Well, I’m gonna have a shower, and they’re all going to listen…
DR POO: Well, as long as that’s all they do, I suppose it’s alright. But don’t be too long!
(More frantic knocking)
DANA: What is it now?
DENIS: (Outside the door) Meow!
DANA: What do you mean, you’re busting for a shave? Go shave in the kitchen sink!
(Denis yowls, but goes away.
Dana unrobes.)
Hey, Poo fans, get that dirty look out of your ears! Right.
(Splash.
Splash.
GROWL.)
DANA: Ooh! Hello, who are you? Why are you wearing a fur coat in the shower?
The Time Tap – Episode x2
Dana encounters a gorilla in the shower – and a couple of baboons in the bath, playing with the Doctor’s duck. The Doctor finds an African Shouting Spider in the kitchen cupboard.
DR POO: Now look, Mr Shouting Spider, I don’t allow stowaways on board my TURDIS. I run a tight ship, so pack up your hairy legs and arachnid off!
SPIDER: SHUT THE CUPBOARD AND PISS OFF!
The Time Tap – Episode x3
Aboard to death the TURDIS, everything is not as it seems. But then, it seems it never is. Dana tells the Doctor about the primates in the bathroom. “You know what they say: save water, shower with a gorilla.”
DR POO: I’ll fix these pests. I’ll speed up time inside the TURDIS so that they all die of old age!
DANA: But what about us?
DR POO: No Worries Minogue, Dana. I’ll take this crayon-coloured crayon, draw a cartoon of you, me and Denis, and hang it from the ceiling there. Now, we are in a state of suspended animation!
All the animals die of old age, and the Shouting Spider suffers a stroke.
The Time Tap – Episode x4
After coming out of suspended animation, Dana sweeps up the dead apes, Denis sifts the camels from his sandbox, and the Doctor opens the kitchen cupboard. The African Shouting Spider is alive and well (“ABOUT BLOODY TIME! WHERE’S MY PORRIDGE?”) so the Doctor feeds him to Denis. Look away, Poo fans.
The Time Tap – Episode x5
Poo fans, I think at this point I’d better explain what’s going on, and why it’s going on so long. When the Doctor discovered that the TURDIS was being pestered with hairier vests, ah, infested with various pests, he filled the TURDIS with time so all the pests got old and dyed all different colours. And that’s why your heroes have become old and senile, and why I’m teaching this squid to do the Pride of Erin without the aid of a tea cosy.
DR POO: (Extremely old and feeble) What was all that rubbish about?
DANA: (Also very old) That was whatshisname, um, um, Caviar; no, Curried Apple Dip; no, the announcer chap, doing his Whatoozi to this episode.
DR POO: That was young Kevin, doing an introverted duck shoe to this Eskimo.
DENIS: (Feebly) Meow.
DR POO: Yes, Tennis, er, Tinarse, that’s right… meow!
The Time Tap – Episode x6
Those two wrinkled, doddering old fools you can hear behind me are, believe it or Granny Knot, the Doctor and Dana, celestial senior citizens trapped in senility by a dripping time tap. The Dr and Dana struggle to read the small print on their scripts. They accidentally drop them on “that denim rag bag.”
DR POO: No, that’s the cat, Dana.
DANA: The cat Dana? I thought his name was Denis.
(The Doctor slaps Dana, with some considerable effort, and asks her to read his next line.)
DANA: Your line, Doctor, says, ‘Oh good, I’ve turned off the Time Tap!’
DR POO: What? But I haven’t!
DANA: Well, somebody has!
DR POO: It must have been that naughty young sound effects man. I’ll give him a piece of my mind and a nice warm cup of tea!
KEVIN: Doctor!
DR POO: What is it, Nurse?
KEVIN: It’s me, Doctor, Kevin the announcer. I’ve bought you a present.
DR POO: Let’s see. (Unwrapping)
DANA: What is it, Poo-Poo?
DR POO: Let’s see…
ALL: (Reading slowly) It’s the end of this episode of Dr Poo!
