Chinese Checkers – Episode 11
Dr Poo speeds up the celestial slimming scheme by creating a huge galactic sauna, activating his naughty X-rated Swedish steam cyclotron. It’s hot out there, and naughty.
DR WEE: Arh, it look like you too clever for me Poo. So I just turn off my diabolical machine. OK?
DANA: Doctor, what’s that sound?
DR POO: I don’t know. Unless… Great bogs in heaven! Oh no.
DR WEE: Oh yes a Poo. You make a universe so weak and thin, it faint and corrapse in on itself anyway.
[The universe collapses with a POP!]
I win.
DR POO: You fiend, Wee.
DR WEE: Ah this is what you get for being good guy, Poo and going a round lighting wongs wherever you find them.
DR POO: Lighting Wongs? I’ve never set fire to a Chinaman in my life. Well, just the once.
Chinese Checkers – Episode 12
Wow we Poo fans, I’m shocked and incoherent. Through his evil machinations, evil Dr Wee has machinated the universe down to the size of a jaffa. How could this ever possibly have possibly ever however possibly ever have possibly happened? How?
DANA: Well Kevin, it was all the Doctor’s fault. When Dr Wee tried to make everything go fat, the Doctor put the universe on a strict diet and training program. But he over did it and the universe got really thin and fainted.
DR POO: Shut up Dana, you’re supposed to be shocked and incoherent.
DANA: Oh, why can’t I be articulate and blasé once in a while?
[Slap]
Ow!
DR POO: That’s why. Now get back to that dumb, cretinous stereotype that the audience expects of you.
DANA: Oh Doctor, what has happened to the universe? [Whispers] How’s that?
DR POO: Fine! Well Dana, it’s all that evil Dr Wee’s fault. When he tried to make everything go fat, I put the universe on a strict diet and training program but over did it, and the universe got really thin and fainted.
DANA: That’s what I said.
DR POO: Yes, but you said it was my fault.
Chinese Checkers – Episode 13
Dr Wee now has the entire universe in the palm of his hand, except for Dr Poo and his TURDIS. But no worry, he soon fix his little red wagon, with the on-going surveillance of a mysterious spy.
DR POO: What spy Kevin?
KEVIN: The one in the TURDIS who tells Dr Wee everything about that happens here.
DR POO: Oh, everything?
DANA: Even what I do when I…?
KEVIN: Yes.
DR POO: And about me in the bath?
DANA: ‘Fraid so.
DENIS: Meow?
KEVIN: Oh yes Denis, especially that.
Chinese Checkers – Episode 14
Denis and Dana have ousted Eugene Caruthers as Dr Wee’s spy by taping electrodes to his genitals. It started out as a game but then he got carried away and confessed everything.
DR POO: So my diminutive oriental antagonist; now that you’ve shrunk the universe down to the size of a marble, what do you in ten words or less, to do with it?
DR WEE: Ah well, a you see, rast time I play Chinese checkers with my assistant, Won Lung, he get a bit toey cause I always win. So he grab one of my marbles and stick it up his nose.
DR POO: The dirty little beast.
DR WEE: So I need a replacement and ah, universe handy.
DR POO: Well fair enough Wee. But I doubt whether it’s really part of Bernie Smith’s divine plan for the universe to end up as a marble in a game of Chinese checkers.
DR WEE: Oh well I’m not going to use Won Lung’s nose.
DR POO: Hmm, good point.
There are obviously some episodes missing between 14 and 15 as we meet Lord Lavdros and he has somehow gained the universe off Dr Wee and has the universe in his “hands”, so to speak. There even may be an episode missing between 13 and 14 but we are only guessing this on the fact that these episodes must have been broadcast after Christmas 1980 and Phil can’t be sure that he was taping consecutive episodes.
Chinese Checkers – Episode x15
Lavdros has stolen the universe and stuck it up his bum.
DANA: What! You’re not allowed to do that. Not in public. It’s disgusting.
DR POO: I know but he’s done it nonetheless. He’s done it just to spite me. He knew I was getting respect from the audience of this show. But now with the universe up there on his bum, my ratings will go down the drain. I can kiss my audience goodbye.
DANA: Not while they’re up Lavdros’ bum, you can’t.
DR WEE: Hey now lookie here. I must register protest. I, Dr Wee am resident villain of this show and doing pretty good job too.
DR POO: Yes Wee, you’re a damn find.
DR WEE: But you Lavdros, you butt in with this really disgusting sticking universe up your bum. You not even member of Villain Equity.
After dispatching Lavdros and Dr Wee, Poo’s next adventure was in a Free Car – yes, Africa! – which you can jump to by clicking ‘next’ below.
