After a couple of these episodes Doug promotes the Knees Ahoy! LP, recently released at $8.99 and out in time for Christmas – so we must be in December 1980.
Chinese Checkers – Episode 6
After the usual pre-adventure frigging around, Doctors Poo and Wee are now getting down to the knitting gritty of the proposed destruction of the universe.
DR POO: Well Wee, I’ve been pouring over these plans of yours for the last few hours and naturally the ink’s run a bit, so could you fill me in on ah, the bit about you reducing the universe to the size of a peewit, ah pea Wee?
DR WEE: Okie dokie Poo. Ho well, firstly I have built diabolical machine that duplicate a wave pattern of baked potatoes. I broadcast it through the universe, universe put on loads of weight, and in next to no time I’m just down the road from immediatre, universe corrapse in on itself. O ho ho ho.
DANA: Oo ah.
DR POO: Shut up Dana, I’ll handle this. Oo ah. You realise of course, Wee, that it’s my duty to put the moccasins on this inscrutable scheme of yours.
DR WEE: Don’t make me raugh Poo.
DR POO: Oh you should have said. In that case I’ll take off this ridiculous revolving bow tie.
Chinese Checkers – Episode 7
Hi Poo gang. This is your fiendish Dr Wee plot to destroy the universe correspondent, reporting to you from the Horses Arse Nebula. As far as I can tell at the moment everything is, but not for long, as Dr Wee gets set to start up his baked potato wave transmitter.
To save himself, Dr Poo plans to cut the TURDIS out of the universe.
DR POO: My Bernie Smith, it’s getting worse. Dana look at Uranus.
DANA: Eh, how?
DR POO: It’s swollen to twice its normal size.
DANA: Arhh! Quick Doctor, do something.
DR POO: Dr Poo to EVA Cat. Do you read me?
DENIS: Meow.
DR POO: You don’t? So that’s why my novels aren’t selling. Now listen, Denis. Do you see the dotted line around the TURDIS?
DENIS: Meow.
DR POO: Well cut along it with the scissors, but don’t tear the flimsy fabric of time and space. One or two loose threads and the whole thing will come unravelled. Over and out.
DENIS: Meow.
KEVIN: Ground control to Major Tomcat. Your budgie’s deaf, there’s something wrong. He’s been hearing Dr Poo, he’s been hearing Dr Poo. He’s been hearing Dr Poo!
Chinese Checkers – Episode 8
The whole universe is going to become unsightly and gross and never dare to wear a bikini again, but Dr Poo has got a two pronged plan. Prong one: he’s going to put the entire universe on a crash diet and exercise program. Prong two: he’s going to have lunch and then sit in front of the television for three hours. Meanwhile Denis is detaching the TURDIS from the afore-mentioned tubby universe by cutting it out with time and space scissors.
DR POO: If I went out there I’d be directly exposed to Dr Wee’s baked potato wave and (chuckles) I have to watch my figure, you know.
[There’s a knock at the door]
Gracious me, what’s that blimp doing out there?
DANA: That’s Denis, Doctor. He wants to come in.
DENIS: Meowrr.
DR POO: Not on your life support system. He’s enormous.
DANA: Well he’s putting on so much weight.
DR POO: He’s not putting it on, Dana. That’s for real. Hello, Denis.
DENIS: Meowrr.
DR POO: Denis, um, I’m afraid, ah, Dana refuses to let you back in.
DANA: What!
DR POO: She’s says, at your present size, if you made a mess, we would all have to move in upstairs with Eugene Caruthers.
DANA: Oo fib.
DR POO: Shut up! But don’t worry fatso, ah, I mean Denis. You’ve done a gland problem, err, grand job and I think it’s very big of you.
Chinese Checkers – Episode 9
Dana starts to call exercises into a wave generator to beam “get thin” vibrations throughout the universe. Knees up, mother Earth.
DR WEE: Haw haw, universe get vely fat and now have to place one chair under each buttock to sit down. Aha. First part of plan complete.
WON LUNG: Excuse me Master.
DR WEE: What news Won Lung?
WON LUNG: Our spy inside a TURDIS tell us that Dr Poo has put universe on clash diet and vigorous exercise program.
DR WEE: So, he play right into my hand. Ho, Won Lung remove a pointy Chinese hat so I can finish this scene.
WON LUNG: No Master. No! [Sound of gong] Ohhhh!
KEVIN: A spy in the TURDIS? I don’t believe it. Where, where, where?
DR POO: Kevin, what are you doing in the ant farm?
KEVIN: I’m looking for the spy.
DR POO: A spy in my ant farm? Don’t be ridiculous. These ants are fiercely loyal Kevin. They all have security clearances and besides that, I had their eyes put out so they can’t see anything anyway.
KEVIN: Keep your voice down Doctor, they are listening.
Chinese Checkers – Episode 10
The flabby old universe is really working up a sweat under the rigorous exercise program of gym mistress, Dana Sock.
DANA: Who told you I was Jim’s mistress?
KEVIN: It’s in all the papers, Dana.
DANA: Ooah, scandal. I’ll never be able to go out with Prince Charles again.
KEVIN: That’s all right. He’s going out with Jim too.
DANA: Oh lies, lies.
DR POO: Dana, Dana, Dana. I’ve just had a phone call to the Queen of England. She says you’re not to see Prince Charles ever again.
DANA: Why not?
DR POO: She’s decided this Jim fellow would make a much better Queen.
DANA: Oh, I suppose that means I can’t be gym mistress anymore. OK universe, stop exercising. Off to the showers.
DR POO: Oh no Dana, you can’t stop now. Dr Wee’s baked potato machine is still saturating the universe with fat waves. Just a few more hours of exercise and we’ll have the universe back to its trim athletic self once more.
DANA: Doctor, why don’t you just transport the universe forward to the day after Christmas?
DR POO: What good would that do?
DANA: Well, everything’s reduced after Christmas!
