Chinese Checkers – Episode 1
Hey kids, here’s a great game that will keep you amused for hours on your end. At the sound of the buzzer, quickly glue these words – ‘from’, ‘his’, ‘his’, ‘from’, ‘his’, ‘his’, ‘spittoon’ – into the following introduction:
Dr Poo is speeding away [buzz] [buzz] home planet Galah Fee. Having made good [buzz] escape [buzz] [buzz] most feared adversary [buzz] wife Constance [buzz].
DR POO: Now hear this. All hands on deck. No, cut the deck, make that bridge and clubs are trumps for a snap inspection. Snap! I win.
DANA: You’re in a whistful mood, Doctor.
DR POO: Oh, you’re here. Good. I don’t have to shout into this plastic cup anymore.
DANA: What’s the beef, Chief?
DR POO: Roll call, Dana.
Ham and custard?
DANA: Here!
DR POO: Piano tuna and salad?
KEVIN: Here!
DR POO: Best actor in a supporting?
DANA: Ah, oh, um… Here!
DR POO: Don’t try and cover for him Dana. All right Denis, where are you?
DANA: He’s that little pile of ashes.
DENIS: Meow.
DR POO: Denis! You’re out of uniform
DANA: He got kind of, ah, cremated in your wifey pooh’s microwave. Remember?
DR POO: That’s no reason for him to turn up on parade in that slovenly attire.
Denis, don’t let it happen again.
Chinese Checkers – Episode 2
Dr Wee – the evil genius who’s hell bent on making the universe go all, ooh, yucky – has lodged a copy of his proposed plan of universal destruction in a one and five scale model at your local council office. Any objection to the plan must be lodged in a quiet seaside hotel within fourteen days. Bedouin and breakfast included.
DR POO: I wonder what Dr Wee has got up his sleeve this time?
DANA: His arm…?
DR POO: For your sake I didn’t hear that, Dana.
DANA: I said, ‘his arm?’
DR POO: Great bogs in heaven! Why didn’t I leave you with your retarded family back on Earth?
DANA: Oh no, I couldn’t live with them. They kept making stupid jokes all the time.
DR POO: Your whole family is a stupid joke.
DANA: Well it’s all Mum and Dad’s fault.
DR POO: What did they do?
DANA: They met each other. Then after that, they met me and my brothers and sisters and we all met each other, and then we met the dog and then it all went from there.
DR POO: I suppose with all of you living in the same house, it was bound to happen sooner or later.
Chinese Checkers – Episode 3
Dr Poo is filling out the gang’s work rooster for the next few days by etching their names on the inside of its beak and painting the days of the week on its knees. Every time it kicks itself in the teeth, they’ll change watch.
DR POO: Right. Now to fart our shite plan. Er, park our frypan. Ah, chart our flight plan. Out with the old Gregory’s shart pack, arh, star chart. Denis, camp yourself up on that top corner, would you?
DENIS: Meow. Mee-ow.
DR POO: All right. I can do without the poofy cat impression, thank you. Now let’s see, if we go up the Milky Freeway, turn right up the Frilly Garter Asteroid Belt… Oh no, that’s one way, isn’t it? I know, we’ll take the Big Bang Bypass, hang a left at the Crab Nebula palm and if the supernovas aren’t against us, should be there before it gets dark.
KEVIN: Oh look, the rooster’s kicked itself in the teeth. What a cock up.
Chinese Checkers – Episode 4
Our fearless Doctor has a sultana with fate, a couple of prunes with nemesis and a date with destiny, and so he’s raisin through the heavens at the spud of light to keep his awful rendezvous.
DANA: How will we know when we’ve arrived Doctor?
DR POO: Oh, when we start making 40,000 a year and get to appear on television every other day.
DENIS: Meow.
DR POO: Oh, in the paper are we? Let’s see.
DANA: Wowee!
DR POO: Ah, Lazlo Woffle’s social column. Oh look Dana here it is… “Spotted arriving at the Horses Arse Nebula last night with a date with destiny was one of the universe’s most eligible bachelors, the suave and debonair Dr Pog.” Oh dear. “Accompanied by his beautiful assistant Dana Skunk…”
DANA: Eh?
DR POO: “…and a large denim rat called Denis.”
DENIS: Meow!
DR POO: “Dr Pog is rumoured to be in town to do battle with the evil Dr Wee and save the universe from destruction. All proceeds will go to charity.” Hmm, that’s what he thinks.
Chinese Checkers – Episode 5
Midway up the Horses Arse Nebula lies, steals and passes bad cheques: the TURDIS. Meanwhile outside, the dogs of war are How Ling, the local laundry man is Rin Sing and two Chinese perverts are Pee King and Wan King.
DR WEE: How dare you make cheap joke at oriental expense.
KEVIN: I had a yen for them. Ow! Why hit me? Benny Hill makes rotten Chinese jokes all the time!
DR WEE: Ah so, but Benny Hill sign economic joke deal, a glee to invest loads of money in Chinese joke industry in exchange for excrusive rights to use excrutiating off oriental one liners. You silly plick.
KEVIN: Ow!
DR POO: Dr Wee, what are you doing in my TURDIS?
DR WEE: Me slapping your stupid announcer about the head and soldiers.
DR POO: Oh, good show, Wee. Carry on. Waiter, second course. I mean: wait a second, of course, that’s an act of aggression!
DR WEE: Ho no, me not Aggression. Me a Asian. So it a act of Asian. O ha, ha, ha, ha.
DR POO: Oh yes of course. Well wallop him senseless for all I care.
