Felix Major – Episode 16
We welcome listeners from Lapland to this episode, a transcript of which will be available on reindeer hide in the Lapland lingo. For the benefit of non-Lap speakers, or perhaps lapsed Lap-speakers, Dr Poo tries to get the cat planet to howl in-tune.
DR POO: I doubt that we will ever stop them howling, Dana.
DANA: Oh no, they’re not howling ‘Dana’, they’re howling ‘meow’.
DR POO: Well whatever it is; they can’t stop, you see, because it’s so ingrained in their toenails.
DANA: What?
DR POO: Oh that’s Lapland lingo, Dana, it’s a bit that doesn’t translate very well.
Felix Major – Episode 17
The Doctor attempts to get a planet of 30,000,000 cats to sing in-tune. On the count of three they perform a blast of Beethoven, thus saving Denis from being ripped from ear to ear, and then to ‘ere, over ‘ere, and all the way ‘round ‘ere.
DR POO: Right, now is every cat body ready?
DANA: You said that in the last episode!
DR POO: Shut up Dana. Anyway I had my fingers crossed then so doesn’t count. Now is every cat body ready?
DANA: You’re saying it again!
DR POO: Alright, alright, I’ll mime it.
[Pause]
There. OK cats, tune up!
MR THING: Hey, what that? It’s beautiful! And it’s coming from the cat planet! It’s Beethoven’s 9th Symphony! I remember, before the aversion therapy, that used to get me right in the mood for a bit of the old ultra-violence!
[The TURDIS lands noisily]
Hang on, I don’t remember that movement.
Felix Major – Episode 18
Mr Thing hasn’t been able to sleep for the last few centuries as 30,000,000 cats have been wailing on the planet next door. Now that the cats are singing in-tune, Mr Thing reveals his true wish: to be a music conductor.
MR THING: Now I can be lulled to sleep with beautiful music!
DR POO: Oh really? I didn’t think a repulsive space monster like you would appreciate good music.
MR THING: Oh, yes.
KEVIN: And now, a touch of pathos.
PATHOS: Ow! Oi mate, don’t touch me there!
KEVIN: Sorry, Mr Pathos.
MR THING: What I really want to be is a conductor.
DR POO: Well, stand in the bath and stick your finger in a power-point.
MR THING: No, a conductor!
DR POO: Oh – fares please, move to the back of the bus! Oh yes, that would be fun.
Felix Major – Episode 19
As you know, the cats on Denis’s home planet have recently discovered the joys of choral singing – but they’ll need a resident conductor! Mr Thing breaks through the door of the TURDIS for a one-way trip to Felix Major.
DR POO: Just because you’re a horrible, repulsive space creature with a boring, dead-end job as a process worker, instead of being a universally-renowned and widely-loved conductor of music – well, that’s no reason to feel sad! I mean, look at me: I don’t feel sad that you’re a repugnant, monstrous failure! In fact, I’ve learnt to laugh in the face of other people’s misery!
Felix Major – Episode 20
Another cosmic catastrophe put right: Mr Thing’s acquired a choir and the cats are having a wail of a time, mainly ‘cos they know they don’t have to be in any more episodes.
DR POO: You don’t have to thank me.
MR THING: I wasn’t going to.
DR POO: Well how about some money then?
MR THING: Don’t mind if I do.
DR POO: Hey, let go of my wallet! Hey, put me down! Oof!
MR THING: That’s better. I’ll have to buy a tuxedo if I’m going to be a conductor; a big one, with lots of arms.
DR POO: I say old thing, you’ve robbed me blind.
MR THING: Rubbish. I could see perfectly well at all times.
