Felix Major – Episode 11
On the planet Thingdorf, Mr Thing admits that he has been throwing the boots at the cat planet. He hates cats. Poo’s little denim rabbi is in trouble.
DR POO: Well Mr Thing, I suppose you’re wondering what the hell we think we’re doing on your planet?
MR THING: You took the words right out of my mouth.
DR POO: Ah, it must have been while you were kissing me …
MR THING: What?
DR POO: Oh I am sorry, you weren’t supposed to notice that.
DR POO: Which of your heads should I be addressing?
MR THING: This one ‘ere
DR POO: Oh, this ear ‘ere? That’s good, I’ve been talking to this ear ‘ere and everywhere, changing my life with the wave of a hand …
MR THING: What?
DR POO: Just a little musical joke there for the older members of the audience who missed the first little musical joke.
MR THING: I hate cats. The planet next door is full of cats. And the howling keeps me awake all day, and all of the night. Yeah, they really got me going, they got me so I can’t sleep at night. All day and all of the night.
Felix Major – Episode 12
Mr Thing, the famous professional repulsive space monster, wants to make something of it. Denis throws his rabbi costume aside and Mr Thing threatens to tear him seam from seam. Over on the cat planet, the cats try to put 10 brothels on Mayfair and bulldoze Dana’s little green houses.
MR THING: You’re both a couple of spies from that cat planet next door.
DR POO: No! Um, well, he is.
DENIS: Meow!
DR POO: But me, I’m a travelling salesman; could I interest you in this complete set of 24 vacuum cleaners? It’ll help the kids with their homework?
MR THING: You don’t fool me for a minute.
DR POO: That’s alright; I only need 30 seconds to get away.
Felix Major – Episode 13
Kevin had a night on the town with the boy scouts and hasn’t got a clue what’s happening in this episode, so Randy Newsucker of Fish Network Television introduces a special satellite link-up between two planets somewhere beyond the control of your mind. The Doctor stops Dana from machine-gunning the 30,000,000 cats and lets them howl, suggesting to Mr Thing that he can stop them from wailing if he lets him leave.
DR POO: Well, Dana, aren’t you going to ask me how things are here?
DANA: Alright: how are things there?
DR POO: Oy vey, don’t ask already.
DANA: Hey Doctor, you’re sounding a bit Jewish.
DR POO: Yes, I’m wearing Denis’s rabbi costume.
DANA: Oh. So, how are things on Thingdorf, then?
DR POO: Things on Thingdorf are about 40 foot high, have 93 arms, 28 legs, 17 heads, teeth on every armpit, a huge green hernia and a lock-up garage.
Felix Major – Episode 14
Dana leads the cats in some activities, like finger-painting (where you dip your toe in the paint, stick out your finger, and paint it). Arriving in the TURDIS, the Doctor realises only Denis is in big trouble now, and wonders what’s on at the drive-in.
DANA: Now what’s Colin done? Oh look at that, he’s painted a… a…. What’s that you’ve painted on my finger, Colin?
CAT: Meow!
DANA: The Mona Lisa? But what’s a tarantula doing there?
CAT: Meow.
DANA: Oh, it’s not part of the painting, it’s a real tarantula, is it? How clever. Now everybody, that’s what you call Found Object Art. Hold on… a real tarantula? Argh! Help, help, somebody do something!
[The TURDIS lands]
DR POO: Hurry Dana, give me that tarantula!
DANA: Here you are!
DR POO: Ta.
DANA: Urgh, you’ve swallowed it!
DR POO: That’s alright, I had some flies for breakfast.
Felix Major – Episode 15
How to keep a planet of 30,000,000 cats quiet? Simply don’t talk about them! Very clevin, Kever. Until Dana mentions them. But she has an idea: maybe we could give them away! Meanwhile, on the planet Thingdorf…
DR POO: Now you’re thinking, Dana!
DANA: Really? Quick, take a photo!
DR POO: Sorry Dana, I haven’t any high-speed film and anyway I’ve got to make this telephone call: Hello, Time and Space Times? Good. I’d like to a put an ad in last week’s paper… Wanted, good home for 30,000,000 cats, answering to the names of – hold on a minute, do I have to pay for this? I do? Well forget it. Dana?
DANA: What?
[Slap]
Ow! What did I do?
DR POO: Your stupid idea, that’s what you did, and it was going to cost me money.
This episode ends without the usual theme, as Mr Thing simply cries ‘I’m not ready!’ after Kevin insists that the episode is supposed to go out with him. ‘Low budget serials,’ the DJ concluded; ‘Last I have to do with them…’
