Felix Major – Episode 1
Do you suffer from shark attack? Then try Dr Poo’s new Shark-Off! One short spray will keep you shark-free all day. (Warning: does not work in water) Meanwhile, if Denis puts it that way (with the blade of his flick-knife against Dr Poo’s jugular vein), the Doctor will take him home– it’s all cisterns go!
DR POO: Denis’s planet is called Felix Major, Dana, it’s the original home world for every cat in the universe, and you can smell it from 3 galaxies away so locating it shouldn’t be any problem.
DENIS: Meow?
DR POO: Ah, nothing, Denis! Right, now I think we’re ready… the Cat-Piss-Smell-o-Meter is set on high, the Electromagnetic-Moggie-Mutilator has been turned off, and all I have to – er, Denis, could you move your knife a bit so that my Adam’s apple isn’t cut off? Ta.
Felix Major – Episode 2
Dana puts the cat out, to socialise with his feline friends (and make it snappy) in a landscape of back-fences as far as the eyes can see – but soon the gang are hit on the heads by steel-capped boots. Great bowls of porcelain, this planet’s under attack!
DANA: Doctor, you seem to have got Denis under control all of a sudden.
DR POO: Well Dana, it was simply a matter of taking his knives off him while he was looking the other way.
DANA: Looking the other way? I thought he always looked like a cat.
DR POO: Oh no, sometimes he looks like a stove.
Felix Major – Episode 3
Hey Poo fans, would you like a cup of tea? You would? Well go and put the kettle on you lazy bludgers and thereby miss this episode, in which the Doctor, Dana and Denis are under attack by a mysterious sound effect. All the other pussy cats have jumped into rubbish bins, so Dana finds an empty bin for the gang to hide in, avoiding bonks.
DR POO: Quick, Dana, we’ve got to get under cover bonk. Under cover bonk? Oh no, I don’t say ‘bonk’, that’s a sound effect isn’t it?
[Bonk]
Ow! Yes it is.
DR POO: Quick, into this bin before we all get hit! Um, Dana, would you read this next line for me?
DANA: What do you mean, ‘bonk’?
DR POO: Thank you Dana! Come on Denis, into the bin.
DANA: Hey, hang on!
[Bonk]
Ow!
Felix Major – Episode 4
The hail of steel-capped boots is being hurled from a Sinister-Type Unidentified Flying Object, known in military jargon as an S.T.U.F.O., or STUFO. On the besieged planet Denis keeps their spirits up by wailing ‘We’ll Meet Again’ before suggesting a cat war conference – Poo isn’t invited.
DR POO: Hang on a minute. I think the boots have stopped falling! Dana, have a look outside, would you?
DANA: Why me?
DR POO: You’re the stupidest person here.DR POO: I must find out who’s behind that Sinister Type Unidentified Flying Ugly Spaceship.
DANA: Or STUF-U’S
[Slap]
Ow! I was just using military-type jargon! Anyway they all talk like that in the air-force.
Felix Major – Episode 5
The high-level war conference proceeds without Dr Poo, who doesn’t care – he couldn’t be more disinterested if he was, which he’s not. The Doctor and Dana investigate the damage inflicted by the flying boots.
DANA: It never occurred to me that this kind of saturation-bombing with steel-capped boots could do this kind’a damage.
DR POO: Kinder damage is right – this is the kindest damage I’ve ever seen. All they’ve done is knock over a few back fences and rubbish bins, and given one or two cats a splitting headache. But of course, Dana, the main damage is psychological.
DANA: I’m not surprised! Getting hit on the head with a steel-capped boot would send anyone psychological.
DR POO: No, Dana, I mean that because of this constant bom-boot-ment the inhabitants of this world can no longer safely sit on their back fences and howl, which is of course the peak of their culture.
DANA: Oh, I see: they’d just be sitting cats!
DR POO: Ducks, Dana.
DANA: What?
DR POO: They’d be sitting ducks.
DANA: I thought this was a planet of cats!
DR POO: It is, which means that there aren’t any ducks, so the cats have to dress up as ducks. You must have seen Denis’s Denis the Denim Duck disguise.
