Revolution in Dubbo – Episode 1
According to a non-mouse phone call, the French Revolution has broken out in Dubbo.
DANA: But why Dubbo?
DR POO: It doesn’t make sense, Dana.
DANA: I know it doesn’t make sense, I’ve been there. But why Dubbo?
DR POO: Beats me with a rubber hose, Dana. But one thing I’m fairy serpent about, if the French Revolution is happening in Dubbo now, then the famous Dubbo Revolution must have happened in France back then. Which means that Napoleon would have ended up harvesting wheats all over Europe.
DANA: Oh no!
DR POO: What I think may have happened, Dana, is this. Now as we all know, Earth’s history is a tall office block downtown in the Cosmic Central Business District. Now just before 9am all of Earth’s historical events pour into the lobby and mill around …
DANA: … chatting and reading the paper…
DR POO: Yes, that sort of thing. And then dead on nine the elevator door springs open, in they all rush …
DANA: … umbrellas flailing!
DR POO: Yes, quite so. Now when the elevator reaches the first floor all the events for that floor get out and happen. And so on up the long length of the height of the tall building of history.
DANA: You mean like, first floor: Stone Age, invention of agriculture, ancient Egypt. Second floor: Hittites, the Code of Hammurabi, sheilas from Crete jumping over bulls, the great city states …
DR POO: All right Dana, I think you’ve got the hang of it. Now what probably happened on this particular morning is that when the elevator reached the floor of the 18th century, the French Revolution was stuck at the back behind something really big like, ooh, the Industrial Revolution or Orson Welles, and it couldn’t get out. So it got out at the 20th century. It wandered around looking for its office, got a bit pissed off, bumped into Dubbo and said “what the hell”.
DANA: And happened!
DR POO: And happened!
Revolution in Dubbo – Episode 2
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: All hail and well met oh gentle Poo fans, William Shakespeare here, playwright and tap dancer extraordinaire, talking to you from the 16th century. Yoo hoo.
DR POO: Ah William, how are you old bean?
SHAKESPEARE: Oh Dr Poo, actually I’ve got a splitting headache, you wouldn’t have a spare leech on you, would you?
DR POO: No I’ve only got a couple of Aspros.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh no, they don’t suck the blood out properly.
DR POO: Well try dissolving a couple of leeches in a glass of water.
SHAKESPEARE: But, I …
DR POO: Love to chat William but the French Revolution has just broken out in Dubbo and I’ve got to get it back to the 18th century before its propeller drops off. A quick word before you go, William?
SHAKESPEARE: Er, parting your hair is such sweet sorrow…
DR POO: Work on it Bill, we’ll let you know, bye!
DANA: Doctor, wasn’t that William Shakespeare, the famous playwright?
DR POO: No Dana. That was William Shakespeare the famous tap dancer. Although I seem to remember him knocking off the odd play or two on the back of a shopping list. But principally, he is renowned as the greatest tap dancer in the English language.
DANA: Oh, they didn’t tell us that at school.
DR POO: Then they must have been fibbing to you, Dana.
DANA: Ooo, rotton skunks! And another thing they told us, was that the French Revolution happened in France and now I find it’s happening in Dubbo.
DR POO: No Dana, the history books are right. In this case it’s reality that’s wrong. So now we’ve gotta go, to go get going, to go go going, to go to go to Gubbo, oh gamn, oh damn, oh Dubbo.
DANA: Oh Doctor, before we go, I’d better say goodbye to my family.
DR POO: All right.
DANA: Bye Mum.
MRS SOCK: Bye Dana.
DANA: Bye Dad.
MR SOCK: Bye Dana.
DANA: Bye Gary.
GARY: Bye Dana.
DANA: Bye Natasha.
NATASHA: Bye Dana.
DANA: Bye Bobby.
BOBBY SOCK: Piss off Dana.
DANA: Bye cousin Valerie.
VALERIE: Bye Dana.
DR POO: Dana!
DANA: Bye Dr Poo.
KEVIN: Yes, buy Dr Poo. Just send two dollars or your body hair, a copy of the Cool Calm and Collected Tap Dancing Routines of William Shakespeare and a nude photo of yourself listening to the next episode of Dr Poo!
Revolution in Dubbo – Episode 3
The Doctor and Dana are about to hurl themselves into a spatial-temporal vortex, a place where time stands still and space takes the afternoon off to go to the flicks. A mystifying void called Dubbo!
DR POO: All cisterns go!
DANA: Is this Dubbo, Doctor?
DR POO: No this is the TURDIS you fool!
DANA: I mean have we landed in Dubbo?
DR POO: I’ll have a look.
[SHEEP NOISES]
Sorry, excuse me. There’s nothing here!
DANA: This is Dubbo all right! But what’s happened to the sun? The place is as black as night!
DR POO: It IS 11pm Dana. Hand me my torch, I’ll have a look around. No sign of the French Revolution here, Dana. This is most odd. According to that phone call the French Revolution should be raging through these streets.
DANA: Perhaps it got bored in Dubbo and went back to the 18th century. I would.
DR POO: This froggy revolution doesn’t have a mind of its own. It’s a historical movement, caused by the social conditions of 18th century France, and as such the damn thing shouldn’t even be in Dubbo. Pass me my Time and Space Handbook, Dana, I’ll see what it says about finding French Revolutions in the dark.
DANA: There ya are.
DR POO: Ta. Mmm, French salad, French dressing, French undressing, French letter, French postcards (ah, hmmm), French Revolution. “Should be in 18th century France, if not look under Dubbo.” Aha! D, D, Dublin, Duck, Dudley Moore, Dudley a bit more, Dudley even more than that, Dudley a lot, Dudley too much! No, ah, here it is, DUBBO: “(1) Capital of the Irish Republic. (2) A water fowl. (3) Star of the movie 10 (4) Place where the French Revolution shouldn’t be. Note, to find French revolution in the dark, go to sleep until the sun comes up in the next episode of Dr You.” What? Oh yes, Doctor Me.
KEVIN: Yes, Doctor Poo!
Revolution in Dubbo – Episode 4
Poo geographers! If you took a map of the world and drew a thick line from Calcutta to Budapest, you’d crush 57 million people. But the D, D and D the DC would be safe because they’re camped in a paddock outside of Dubbo, stamp capital of the world!
DANA: Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree, merry merry king of the bush is he. Laugh kookaburra laugh, kookaburra gay your life must be.
DR POO: I’m not surprised his life is gay, Dana, that kookaburra is wearing lipstick and eyeshadow.
DANA: That’s part of the make-up of the Australian bush.
DR POO: That may well be, Dana, but he’s also wearing crotchless panties!
DANA: That’s his business. He’s just doing his thing!
[SPLASH]
DENIS: Meow!
DR POO: He’s just done it on Denis. Hose the cat down Dana, I’ll put the billy on the fire.
DANA: OK.
DR POO: Come on, Billy …
BILLY: No, no, not the fire, I’ll talk, I’ll talk!
DR POO: But you can’t talk, you’re just a little tin bucket! On you go!
BILLY: Aaaaagh!
DR POO: Tea’s up Dana!
DANA: Oh bewdy Doctor cobber. You know there’s nothing like sitting under the old coolibah tree, mate, watching the sun come up over that funny lump on the top of your shoulder, getting stuck into a cup of good old Australian bush tea, blood oath! Eeeew, what’s this?! It’s full of twigs and bark!
DR POO: It’s bush tea, Dana, made from genuine Australian bush!
DANA: Oh, Doctor I’ve had enough of this camp scene. Let’s go into Dubbo and get some real food!
DR POO: All right. There’s something coming now – I’ll see if we can get a lift.
[LA MARSEILLAISE PLAYS]
DR POO: Holy Harpic! It’s the French Revolution. That’s what we’ve been looking for!
Revolution in Dubbo – Episode 5
Take out your school atlas, Poo geographers and find the map of Africa. Set fire to it because you don’t need it. Now find the map of Australia! Oh dear, it was on the other side of that map of Africa, wasn’t it, oh dear. Now buy yourself a new atlas and find Dubbo. If you scrunch your eyes everything will go dark, so unscrunch them just enough to see the Doctor and Dana marching into Dubbo as part of the French Revolution!
ROBESPIERRE: Citizens halt! Fellow citizen cobbers. We who have suffered under the opossum of the ruling classes of Dubbo have had a gutful, but no more! Too right?
MOB: Too right!
ROBESPIERRE: We demand a fair suck of the sav for all. Our motto is liberty, equality and frangipanis!
DR POO: Excuse me!
ROBESPIERRE: What is it citizen stranger mate on whom I’ve never clapped eyes before, how ya going anyway ya old bastard, up the mighty Blues eh, pwwwtt!
DR POO: The motto of your French Revolution – shouldn’t it be liberty, equality and fraternity?
ROBESPIERRE: What’s fraternity?
DANA: Don’t you mean what’s for dinner?
ROBESPIERRE: Yeah that’s what I mean – well reminded, citizenette stranger bewdy cobber mate sheila! Our new motto is now liberty, equality and what’s for dinner?
MOB: What’s for dinner, what’s for dinner!
DR POO: Hold on! You there, whatever your name is!
ROBESPIERRE: Frank. Frank Robespierre’s the name, the French Revolution is the game.
DR POO: Well it shouldn’t be. Don’t you realise this revolution belongs back in France – in the 18th century!
SANS-CULOTTES: What? Give it to the Froggies? Get off the grass!
