The Wedding of Gary Sock – Episode 10
Wrap your ears around this, Poo acolytes. The Doctor and his entourage are presently visiting the environs of slap bang in the middle of your home town. And it can be arranged by sending large amounts of money, or blank cheques to the Kevin the Announcer Benevolent Fund, for your hero to materialise in your very living room.
DANA:
Nice landing Doctor. Right on top of Uncle Ben’s budgie.
DR POO:
Oh I am sorry.
DANA:
That’s alright. None of the other budgies liked him anyway.
BOBBY SOCK:
Hello Dana.
DANA:
Oh Doctor, this is my little brother, Bobby Sock.
DR POO:
Hello young man.
BOBBY SOCK:
Get stuffed mister. Hey, a pussy cat.
[BOBBY PICKS UP DENIS AND SWINGS HIM AROUND AND AROUND]
DENIS:
Meow, meow, meow, meowwwwww!
[CRASH]
DANA:
Naughty Bobby! Mustn’t throw Denis into the dip!
BOBBY SOCK:
He said he was hungry.
DR POO:
Why weren’t you at the wedding, Bobby?
DANA:
Oh Doctor. The last time we took Bobby to church, he killed the minister.
BOBBY SOCK:
Yeah, I got five arrows into him before he hit the pulpit.
MRS SOCK:
Oh Bobby, there you are. Come on, it’s time for your heroin injection.
DR POO:
What?!
DANA:
Ah well, mum figures if she gets him hooked on heroin early, he’ll be dead by the time he’s 12.
The Wedding of Gary Sock – Episode 11
This, Poo fans, has to be the worst episode of Dr Poo ever. The writing is puerile and the acting isn’t even up to the standard of the Restless Young Doctor Shop. In fact, it’s so bad I’m not even going to announce it.
DR POO:
Hello Poo fans. Sounds like Kevin’s throwing a tit of a bantrum eh. Aha ha ha. What a cupid stunt he is. I reckon this is a gam good episode. The writing is very rontant and I wouldn’t say our performances were below mar. How about do, Yana?
DANA:
Ah Doctor, shouldn’t we explain to everyone how we’re at my brother Gary’s wedding reception, here at my Mum and Dad’s house?
DR POO:
No rats all thight Dana. You just lilled the fistners in.
DANA:
Doctor, I think you’ve had one too many.
DR POO:
Oh don’t be such a venwagon Dana. Come on, let’s get out on the dance floor and bake it up a shit.
DANA:
Oh Doctor, you’re incorrigible.
DR POO:
No I’m not. I’m in your Mum and Dad’s living room.
[SHE SLAPS HIM]
Ow.
DANA:
I’m going to the bar to order a long cold tin whistle in a tall glass.
DR POO:
A tin whistle? Mmmm. Sounds interesting. What’s in a tin whistle?
DANA:
A little pea. And you blow through one end and it goes phssttphff. Only louder.
The Wedding of Gary Sock – Episode 12
DR POO:
Lovely reception, Mr Sock.
MR SOCK:
Ah ta.
DR POO:
You must be very proud of your son, Gary, and his new wife Natasha.
MR SOCK:
No, I’m not proud of Gary. He’s about as useful as a ton of nuns in a thunderstorm. But I’m real proud of Natasha. You know she’s the first ex-Olympic Russian tractor thrower we’ve ever had in the Sock family.
DR POO:
You don’t say.
MR SOCK:
Don’t I?
DR POO:
Um, yes. What do you do for a crust, Mr Sock?
MR SOCK:
Oh well, cover myself in bread dough and sit in the oven until I’m golden brown, I suppose.
DR POO:
Good grief, what a cretin.
DANA:
Were you talking to me, Doctor?
DR POO:
No Dana. I was talking to your father.
DANA:
O yeah. Isn’t he a cretin.
DR POO:
Mmm, indeed. What does he do for a living?
DANA:
He’s a painter at the Smarties factory.
DR POO:
Really. What does he paint?
DANA:
He paints the colours on the smarties. And he’s a part time rat barber.
DR POO:
A rat barber?
DANA:
He does hair styling for rats. It’s really just a hobby but he’s very good. He’s better than those poofs at the Unisex Rat Coiffeur in the shopping centre.
The Wedding of Gary Sock – Episode 13
Dana’s brother, Gary, has just been wedded and it has now come round to speech time at the reception. So, Poo fans, charge you glasses. Now if by some mischance, you happen to be unfamiliar with this aspect of social etiquette, let me demonstrate how to charge your glass.
“Glass, you are charged with being under the influence of alcohol. You have the right to remain silent and to seek legal counsel.”
Got that gang? Right. Now on with the reception.
MR SOCK:
And now Gary’s 30 stone little woman, Natasha, will say a few words.
NATASHA:
Da, comrade strangers. I to this country thank you welcome very much. Very happy, ho ho ho. More vodka please. Da, gulp, slurp.
[SOUND OF BREAKING GLASS]
My family come from very poor village. With to our relations, we have collective ownership of a tomato. But better than old days when we have to rent tomato from landlord.
DANA:
What country is she talking about, Doctor?
DR POO:
Russia, Dana.
DANA:
Oh all right, if you say so. Aaarrgh!
DR POO:
Dana, what are you doing?
DANA:
Well you said rush her. Whoa aarrrgh!
[DANA AND NATASHA GRAPPLE. CROWD CHEERS]
KEVIN:
Hey, Dana’s hopped in for a battered Slav. What Volga behaviour. Well I Moscow now, but if Ukraine your necks and Lenin close to your radios, Ural hear us commit another Crimea on Comrade Poo!
The Wedding of Gary Sock – Episode 14
There comes a time in every person’s life when finally they must settle down and assume the responsibilities of marriage. Haha! And that time for Gary Sock is now. As it is for his extremely attractive – ah, haha! – wife Natasha. The whole Sock clan are gathered together to celebrate in the traditional manner, this new found maturity.
DR POO:
Denis, put your flick knife away. You might kill somebody. Mr Sock, you’ve got to do something!
MR SOCK:
How about a tango. Oh, I know. Hey everybody, want to see me give a rat a haircut? Has somebody got a rat they could lend me?
DR POO:
Yes, I think I’ve got one… Oh dear, I’m terribly sorry, I seem to have left it in my other trousers.
DENIS:
Meow.
DR POO:
Oh look Mr Sock, Denis has got a hamster. Will that do?
MR SOCK:
A hamster. Oh, it’s not the same. Aw I don’t know. Oh all right. Oh look, it doesn’t even fit in the chair properly.
GUESTS:
Aw get on with it. Come on. Fair’s fair.
MR SOCK:
Oh all right, all right.
[THE GUESTS QUIETEN DOWN. THE SOUND OF SCISSORS CUTTING.]
Um, nice day isn’t it? Oo! Sorry about your ear. Aw fair go. It’s not easy trying to give a hamster a Bo Derek hairdo.
Ah there. Hand me the mirror, Dana.
DANA:
Here you are, Dad.
MR SOCK:
Ta dear. Well hamster, what do you think?
HAMSTER: Eeeeekk!
[THE GUESTS BOO AND HISS]
MR SOCK:
Quick Mr Poo, do something. They’re turning ugly!
DR POO:
Um, um, I’ll answer the phone.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
What? Good grief! Listen everyone. The French Revolution has just broken out in Dubbo!
KEVIN:
You can’t have the French Revolution in Dubbo. It only happened in Port Moresby last week. What rubbish. And you heard it first on Dr Poo!
