The Wedding of Gary Sock – Episode 6
And now we come to the main event on our card. Gary Sock, the professional armoured tank impersonator, verses his fiancée, the recently defected Russian tractor thrower, Natasha Merillsnapyourneckoff.
DR POO:
What’s going on?
DANA:
Oh, that’s Aunty Ruth wrestling Cyril, her pet anaconda. She does it at every wedding. She’s very religious, you know.
MINISTER:
And Aunty Ruth wins three falls to nil. Thank you, Aunty Ruth and Cyril. And don’t forget, tomorrow night you can see Aunty Ruth and Cyril take on second cousin Mervin and his boa constrictor, Basil, in a tag team High Mass over five rounds.
DANA:
Oh look, Doctor, there’s my dear old Mum and Dad. Next to them there’s an empty seat.
DR POO:
Pew, Dana.
DANA:
What do you mean, pew? They may be a couple of old Socks but they don’t smell that bad. Hello Mum, hello Dad.
MR SOCK:
Who are you?
MRS SOCK:
It’s your daughter Dana, Dad.
MR SOCK:
My daughter Dana Dad? Oh dear.
[MRS SOCK SLAPS HIM]
Ow! Thank you dear, I needed that.
MRS SOCK:
You remember our daughter, Dana. She’s the one with your nose.
MR SOCK:
Really? Well that’s a relief. I thought I’d left the damn thing on the train.
The Wedding of Gary Sock – Episode 7
DANA:
Ooh look Doctor, here she comes.
[SOUND OF HUGE FOOTSTEPS]
Um, she’s very, um, ah, statuesque, isn’t she?
DR POO:
Yes Dana, like Mount Rushmore.MINISTER:
Dearly blubbered. We are gathered here today, in the sight of Bernie Smith, to join this man and this woman in a holy head lock.
[BELL RINGS]
Not yet!
Marriage is a blessed stoat, trained by Bernie Smith to perform unnatural sex acts at parties, and is not to be entered into lightly.
Now, do you, Gary Sock, take this woman to be your awfully welded Y fronts; for rich and for Paula; for Betty and her nurse; in sex classes and in the heats; from this day forward-MARCH! – one, two, three, four, HALT! – as long as you bath your pig?
GARY:
Pardon?
MINISTER:
“I do.”
GARY:
You do what?
MINISTER:
You say, “I do”.
GARY:
I say, you do? I get it, it’s a game. I say and you do. Alright. I say, stick your head down your trousers. Go on.
MINISTER:
Oh, we’ll take it as read.
NATASHA:
Da.
MINISTER:
No Natasha. Not yet.
NATASHA:
No, not nyet; da.
The Wedding of Gary Sock – Episode 8
All right, settle down. We haven’t finished yet. And now, as you will remember, yesterday we were up to the part where I say – “If anyone here can show just cause et cetera, et cetera, let them speak now or forever hold their et ceteras.”
MINISTER:
Gary, do you have the ring?
GARY:
No, I’m still reading The Hobbit. But I’m almost finished though.
MINISTER:
All right, who has the ring?
DANA:
I’ve seen the film.
DR POO:
I’ve got a copy of it in the TURDIS.
DANA:
What, the film?
DR POO:
No, the book.
MINISTER:
Well go and get it.
DR POO:
OK. I won’t be a cattle tick.
KEVIN:
And in the eyeing of a bat lid…
DR POO:
I’m sorry, I was wrong. I haven’t got a copy of The Ring. What I’ve got is a copy of The Hobbit. It’s a damn good read though. Not at all hobbit forming. Ha ha.
GARY:
No thanks, I’m still reading The Hobbit. But I’m almost finished.
DANA:
I’ve seen the film.
DR POO:
Of The Hobbit?
DANA:
No not The Hobbit, The Ring!
MINISTER:
Shut up! What I’m looking for is the little round eighteen-carat gold wedding ring.
GARY:
Oh, that. I gave that to the little denim cat in the leather tuxedo to mind.
DR POO:
Denis! The ring, Denis. It’s supposed to go on Natasha’s finger.
NATASHA:
Da.
MINISTER:
I now pronounce you, cat and wife.
DR POO:
No don’t. Denis, give the ring to Gary.
GARY:
Tah.
MINISTER:
I now pronounce you man and cat.
DR POO:
No, no Gary, you give the ring to Natasha. Right.
MINISTER:
I now pronounce you, “You”. I used to pronounce it, “yo-oo,” but that was before I got speech therapy from Dr Poo!
The Wedding of Gary Sock – Episode 9
Hey Poo guests. Start throwing your rice, or if you don’t like Chinese cooking, your confetti and old sausages, at our happy couple Gary Sock, son of Mr and Mrs Sock of Fibro Park West, and Natasha Sock (nee Merillsnapyourneckoff), one time darling of the Don Cossacks and now two ton truck chucker in the lucky country.
DR POO:
What are you crying for Dana? Are you sad that your brother Gary’s got married?
DANA:
No, I just got hit in the eye with a fist full of rice.
DR POO:
I understand how you feel Dana. But look at it this way.
DANA:
Like this?
DR POO:
No, no. Squint your eyes a bit more. Yes, that’s it. See, you’re not losing a brother, he’s got his name and address on a piece of paper pinned to his chest. He’ll find his way home.
MRS SOCK:
Oh Dana, Dana, Dana.
DANA:
Oh it’s my bum, I mean, my Mum!
MRS SOCK:
Dana, where’ve you been for the last week?
DANA:
I’ve been away for a whole year, Mum.
MRS SOCK:
Have you? O well, I’ve been a bit busy lately, what with the wedding and all.
