The Wedding of Gary Sock – Episode 1
It’s the start of a new denture. There’s no teeth as yet so Dr Poo just has to wait for something to happen.
BAGPIPE WRESTLER: Open up, open up. It’s important. Open up.
DR POO: Holy harpic. It sounds like the start of a new adventure!
[DOOR OPENS]
BAGPIPE WRESTLER: Does Eugene Caruthers live here?
DR POO: Oh yes. EUGENE? It’s for me, Tarzan.
TARZAN: No, me Tarzan.
[SOUND OF TARZAN’S YELL, FOLLOWED BY A GUNSHOT]
JANE: I can’t take him anywhere.
DR POO: It must be the smell. Ah, Eugene? There’s a manic door thumper, a trigger happy Jane and a decomposing Tarzan here to see you.
EUGENE: Aw guys, what are you doing here? The massed bagpipe wrestling rehearsal isn’t ’til tomorrow.
DANA: Hey, who’s this?
DR POO: This is Eugene, Dana. He rents the room upstairs.
The Wedding of Gary Sock – Episode 2
Eugene Caruthers rents a room upstairs in the TURDIS and has his bagpipe wrestling friends around to practice putting step over toe holds on Amazing Grace. Rob Roy MacGregor-Campbell-McSoup, Clive Inhale from Chanel No. 5 Nosewitness News, and the Fred and Doris Chicken-Sexem-Memorial Massed-Bagpipe Wrestling Team all arrive and are swiftly sent upstairs.
DANA:
Oh Doctor, look what they’ve squashed into the carpet: a great big strawberry jam sandwich. Hang on… It’s wearing a wrist watch!
DR POO:
And a postman’s uniform.
DANA:
A postman sandwich without chutney?! Urgh, I think I’m going to be sick.
DR POO:
Wait a minute, Dana – this sandwich has got a letter in its hand. It’s probably for that damn Eugene.
“Dear Damn Eugene – bad luck, this message is for Dana Sock.”
DANA:
Oh, gimme gimme!
“Dear Dana – thanks for coming to my wedding.
Your loving brother, Gary.”
The Wedding of Gary Sock – Episode 3
KEVIN: Last episode, gang… No, no, stop that hysterical screaming. I didn’t mean this was the last episode. The last episode hasn’t happened yet; although it will eventually… Now stop that screaming and gnashing of teeth. Look, face up to reality. One day there will be a last episode of Dr Poo; probably when the sun burns out. Oh, stop your blubbering. We all know the sun’s going to burn out sometime…
DR POO: Get away from my lovely Poo fans, Kevin. You’re upsetting them.
KEVIN: Well, they better not come crying to me when the sun burns out.
DR POO: My dear desiccated fans. How can I apologize for Kevin’s inexcusable behaviour? The man has the emotional sensitivity of a pound of mince. What can I do that doesn’t involve money or any inconvenience to me? Of course this isn’t our last episode…
DANA: Last episode? Oh no, I’ll be out of a job! I’ll be a vole bludgeoner! What’ll my parents say…? Probably: “your dinner’s in the oven, Dana…”
The Wedding of Gary Sock – Episode 4
Greetings, Poo junkies. Here is your daily dose of Poo plot: Dr Poo, in a dark dank cave, is being attacked by a huge green three-headed slime-covered Edwardian dressing table. Dana and Denis are mounted on a majestic snow-white Arab in a three piece suit and Diablo socks who is roller-skating them to the rescue. But of course that piece of plot has nothing to do with this episode. No, in this episode, Dana is preparing to go to her brother Gary’s wedding, which she hasn’t been to yet, because his letter arrived by Cosmic Priority Post before he wrote it.
DANA:
Now, what’ll I wear?
KEVIN:
How about your fireman’s outfit, Dana?
DANA:
Oh not for a wedding, Kevin. That’s for bushfires and funerals. I could wear my big pink rabbit suit… except cousin Valerie’s got one and she’s bound to wear hers. I think I’ll just wear my beautiful assistant outfit with matching handbag and the Oroton propellers.
DR POO:
Well, if we’re going formal, I’d better put on my dinner wet suit. Dana, have you seen my ruffle aqua lung and my patent leather flippers?
The Wedding of Gary Sock – Episode 5
Dear Poo fan and friend, you are cordially invited to attend the wedding of Gary Sock (brother of that uncut heroine of time and space, Dana Sock) and his Romanian with a View Finder fiancée.
DANA:
Oh Doctor, I’m so excited. I’ve never been to my brother’s wedding before.
DR POO:
Oh yes you have, Dana.
DANA:
What do you mean?
DR POO:
Well, all events in the universe occur simultaneously and it’s only our consciousness which divides this oneness into separate moments, which we perceive as the sequential flow of time.
DENIS:
Meowrrrr.
DANA:
Now look what you’ve done. You know that philosophy junk makes Denis want to throw up.
DR POO:
It’s all cisterns go! There we are, Sydney, Australia.
DANA:
Oh, goodie. Nice landing, Doctor. Right on top of Uncle Ben.
DR POO:
Oh I am sorry, Dana.
DANA:
Doesn’t matter, nobody liked him anyway. Well this is the right place: St Neville’s United Church of Not Taking Religion Too Seriously.
VALERIE:
Oh Dana, hello.
DANA:
Oh it’s cousin Valerie! Valerie, I’d like you to meet my friend, Dr Poo. He’s just squashed Uncle Ben.
VALERIE:
Oh pleased to meet you. Anybody who’s squashed Uncle Ben is a friend of mine. Shake.
DR POO:
Alright. Brrrrrrrr.
