Bernie Smith – Episode 1
Well Poo groovers, in our last hip episode lots of real cool things went down, yeah. But do you hip cats want to be laid on by me with some corny blast from the past? Wow, no. So what do you say we split this scene and groove on down and catch the Dr man and his bebop cool TURDIS, yeah.
DANA: Wow, Dr Man. I really dug the way you wrapped up that last adventure. I mean, man, like, it was the most.
POO: What are you on about, Dana?
DANA: I’m on about 75 cents a week, man. Can you like, ah, dig it, yeah.
POO: I’m taking this record off. I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
[Record scratches to a stop]
There!
DANA: Oh thank you, Dr, what a relief. For a minute there I was starting to grow a little beard and a pair of sunglasses. You know what I’m like listening to records. I get so carried away.
POO: Yes. Like last night when you were listening to the Sex Pistols, you spat all over me and nearly ripped Denis to shreds.
DANA: Oh yeah. Sorry about that. But I fixed him up with some safety pins.
POO: That Dana is as may be. But you pinned his tail to the top of his head and now every time he looks around he falls rectum over breast. Don’t you Denis?
DENIS: Meow, meow.
[Falls over]
Reeoow!
Bernie Smith – Episode 2
This episode is being checked out by the Café Society for the Prevention of Conversion to Luggage of Denim Cats.
DANA: But a like I haven’t done anything, um, man.
POO: You can’t jive talk your way out of this, Dana. You’ve pinned Denis’ tail to the top of his head and he became an overnight bag, overnight.
DENIS: Meow.
POO: Don’t panic Denis, we’ll get you out of this.
RAY: Hey you cats. This cat is really luggage. I mean, can you dig it. He’s full of spare clothes and hotel towels.
Ray gives the cat a burst from his can of Spray-On Miracle Cat Restorer and Denis is as good as new.
DANA: Yeah, like, hooray man.
POO: Who Ray, Dana? Simple. He Ray, me Dr.
DANA: And me Jane?
POO: No Dana. That’s Jane over there in the corner with Tarzan.
JANE: Hi, me Jane.
TARZAN: Me Tarzan.
[Sound of Tarzan’s yell – followed by a gunshot]
JANE: I can’t take him anywhere.
POO: I know how you feel Jane. Could I borrow your gun for a moment?
DANA: Dana! Dana! My name’s Dana!
RAY: Hey man, you two have flipped.
POO: I’m sorry, Ray. It’s the strain. You see, we’ve just completed a top secret mission for God himself; by destroying the evil CackRonalds empire.
RAY: Hey man, haven’t you heard? That’s ancient historyville, man. God is dead!
KEVIN: What?
RAY: Yeah, it’s on the news, man.
[ABC radio news theme – albeit a little wonkier]
NIETZSCHE: This is Friedrich Nietzsche with the news. God is dead. Late last night, the creator of the universe, God, passed away peacefully in His sleep. He is survived by His Son and His Holy Ghost and a bloody great load of angels. Apparently, God’s last words were: “Earghhhhh…!”
Bernie Smith – Episode 3
Hello Poo fans. As you may be aware, God, the creator of the universe, passed away yesterday peacefully in his slippers. In Memorium and in other suburbs, we will now have two minutes silence.
POO: Now look, Poo fans. It is true that in our last episode, we reported that God had died. Well of course He did. And remember, you heard it first on Dr Poo. But I think Kevin’s making a lot of mountain out of what is after all, just the top left hand corner of a molehill. God’s death isn’t the end of the world.
DANA: That God for that.
POO: Oh no, Dana. We don’t thank God anymore. He’s dead.
DANA: Oh, then who do we thank now?
POO: Well, from now on, the Managing Director of the universe will be Bernie Smith.
DANA: Who in Bernie Smith’s name is he?
POO: Well for ages now, Dana, Bernie’s had a fabulous night club act in which he does some really great impression of God. And so the God Appointments Board thought it would be less of a shock to the universe if he simply stepped into the old man’s shoes.
DANA: What about the old man’s socks?
POO: Ah, no Dana. I don’t think Bernie will want to use the same socks. I mean, God had been wearing them since the creation of the universe.
DANA: Urgh, poo!
POO: Actually, there should be something about it on the fridge, if this episode’s been written properly.
FRIDGE: We interrupt this advertised fridge for a short message from the new Managing Director of the universe, Mr Bernie Smith.
BERNIE SMITH: Ar ha ha. Hi, I’m Bernie Smith and I’m in charge round here now and things are going to be a real scream from now on. Ha ha.
KEVIN: Our Smith who art in heaven, Bernie be thy name. Will King Kong come? Will Faye Ray be saved in real life as she is in the movie; and give us each day our daily hippopotamus of Dr Poo.
Bernie Smith – Episode 4
In this episode of Dr Poo, the Dr kicks off by saying:
POO: Well Dana. Now we know that the universe is in the capable if somewhat sweaty hands of Bernie Smith, we can get on with another adventure.
KEVIN: To which Dana replies:
DANA: Oh goody. Denis and I are in the mood for a bit of a punch up.
KEVIN: To which Denis says:
DENIS: Meow!
KEVIN: And then the Dr says:
POO: Oh shut up Kevin. Dunnies above, but you’re an annoying little worm sometimes.
KEVIN: And so say, the Dr picks up a lump of four-by-two and starts to walk menacingly towards… ah, oh dear, oh a bye…!
POO: One morning I’m going to put araldite in his porridge. That will shut him up. As if the Poo fans should have to be told which character says what. Don’t you agree, Dr?
DANA: I certainly do Dana. Oh, ah, Dana?
POO: Yes, Dr?
DANA: Why am I talking to myself?
POO: Leaping lavatories. Kevin’s started this episode in the wrong place!
