(Toilet flushes.)
KEVIN. It’s all cisterns go, with the amazing man who dares to go anywhere – Dr Poo!
(Nang-a-na-nang!)
Episode 1
Dr introduces himself, meets Dana (1/3)
Dr Poo invites us down the dark, mysterious corridors of Time and Space and into his amazing time cubicle, the TURDIS. Who knows what we will find?
DR POO. All cisterns go!
(The TURDIS dematerialises, sounding like a flushing lavatory.)
I have materialised on the planet Perth.
KEVIN. (whispering) Not ‘Perth’, Earth… It doesn’t have a ‘P’…
DR POO. Have a pee? Oh, alright, if you insist. (Pushes through the crowds) Excuse me?
Meanwhile, on this bustling dump of lust – ah, um, lump of dust – Dana Sock, attractive receptionist for the Metropolitan Water Sewerage Drainage Board, is returning to the office at the end of her lunch break.
DANA. Oh, oh! I’ve got to go! I knew I shouldn’t have had that last bucket of liquorish-coated prunes! Ah, at last – a little girl’s convenience!
(Screams) Oah! Oh, help, help! There’s a man in the woo-woo!
DR POO. I won’t be a moment, er, all I have to do is –
(He flushes – and the TURDIS takes-off!)
DANA. Help, help, help!
Episode 2
Dr introduces himself, meets Dana (2/3)
Dana is in for a surprise – she has stumbled into Dr Poo’s Trans-galactic Urination Regurgitation Defecation Integration System, and there’s no sign of a woo-woo.
DR POO. Now look here, Dana, we are traveling through the infinite corridors of Time and Space and if you went out there you’d be lost forever.
DANA. Well at least they’d have a woo-woo – one on each floor, near the lifts.
DR POO. What, Dana, is a woo-woo?
DANA. (Pause) Well, y’know, it’s a… oh… it’s a sit-down place for… oh, oh… for making do-do’s!
DR POO. ‘A sit-down place for making do-do’s’…? Ah! Ah, you mean one of these!
DANA. You’ve been sitting on it the whole time!
Dr Poo politely (if begrudgingly) steps outside.
DR POO. Well, here I am, out in the infinite corridors of Time and Space… What a hole. Dust on the skirting boards, finger marks on the walls… oh, hello, and what’s this? ‘For a good time, ring 438 6120 and ask for Superman’. Where’s my address book?
DANA. (Shouting) All finished, Doctor! I just have to flush…!
DR POO. What? No, stop! Don’t push that – !
Episode 3
Dr introduces himself, meets Dana (3/3)
As mentioned in page 4 of your instruction booklet, Dana Sock has pushed the button in the TURDIS and launched it and herself into the dreaded firth and fourth dimension. There she’ll be hurled into the Haggis Vortex and sucked through the Sporran Spiral to materialise under god knows what Scotsman!
(The TURDIS lands.)
DANA. I wonder what’s keeping the Doctor?
(She opens the door. Bagpipes.)
Ooh, it’s dark. I’ll light a match.
(She does so. The music abruptly stops.)
SCOTSMAN. Ow, McOuch! Someone set fire to me hairy bits!
(Dana closes the door.)
DANA. No, that’s not him.
The Doctor continues to wander the corridors of Time and Space.
DANA. Ah, that’s m’nails done. Now I think I’ll brush my hair.
(Rat-a-tat-tat!)
Oh, my head sounds funny.
(Rat-a-tat-tat!)
DR POO. (from outside) Dana, let me in!
Episode 4
The Dreks on the planet Porcelain (1/9)
By holding your radio up to the light, you can see that Dr Poo is about to reveal all to his beautiful companion, Dana Sock, as they hurtle through the void in the Doctor’s cosmic time dunny, the TURDIS. In the last episode he discovered some doggie-do on his ballet slippers, and it was all the fault of the Dreks.
DR POO. Wait, we’ve materialised!
DANA. We’ve what?
DR POO. We’ve landed. (Pause) Cretin.
DANA. But Doctor, what are the Dreks?
DR POO. There’s your answer, Dana. There are the Dreks!
(Dramatic chord! The Dreks can be heard farting and squelching noisily.)
DANA. Oh! They look like chemical toilets.
DR POO. They are chemical toilets, Dana, but toilets of such sophistication and evil intellect that they threaten to unseat man from his pedestal!
DANA. But what are they doing to those poor people over there?
DR POO. They’re force-feeding them prunes and laxettes, Dana.
DANA. But that’ll make them… Eurgh, what a horrible smell! And look on the ground! It can’t be… It is…! It’s everywhere!
(Heavy splash.)
DR POO. What an unfortunate place to faint…
Episode 5
The Dreks on the planet Porcelain (2/9)
The Doctor drags the unconscious Dana through the muck and into the TURDIS, which promptly sinks through the sludge and into an underground chamber. He is met by a Spaniard with an outrageous accent.
FIDEL GASTRO. ‘ello! I am Fidel Gastro, leader of the resistance movement here on Porcelain. I wish to take down your particulars, senior.
DR POO. Why?
FIDEL GASTRO. So I can check your credentials.
DR POO. But, Senior Gastro, I am Dr Poo!
FIDEL GASTRO. Dr Poo? Forgive me. I did not recognise you in your gold lame evening dress. Doctor, you can assist us in our crusade against the dirty Dreks.
DR POO. Thirty Dreks? There must be more than that. Why, your planet is covered in…
FIDEL GASTRO. No, no – dirty, dirty.
DR POO. I’m sorry, it’s a habit I’ve picked up.
Episode 6
The Dreks on the planet Porcelain (3/9)
Dr Poo’s beautiful and recently hosed-down assistant, Dana Sock, emerges from the TURDIS and everyone runs away from the Dreks.
FIDEL GASTRO. With you, Dr Poo, we will turn the tide.
DR POO. Ha ha, thank you.
FIDEL GASTRO. From these underground chambers we will rise up, and wipe this planet clean. We are firm. We have solidarity. We are bound together. We are – El Constipatos!
(The resistance cheer)
Give us constipation, or give us death!
