The CackRonald Affair – Episode 6
If you remember, our scene is one of the myriad CackRonald burger planets that are sprunging up all over the universe. If you don’t remember, the scene is a yam patch, eight miles north east of Addis Ababa.
POO: What on earth are we doing in this yam patch?
DANA: Um, looking for yams?
POO: I remember! We’re supposed to be on a CackRonalds planet.
[Exit sound effect]
Ah, that’s better Dana, back at the hamburger plot. Dana? Dana!
[Exit sound effect]
DANA: Oh Doctor, here you are. What a relief. If it hadn’t been for that itinerant yam herder with his transistor radio, I never would have remembered where I was supposed to be.
The Doctor puts Dana into the clown suit to send her undercover at CackRonalds.
DANA: Wow! I haven’t seen such precision clown marching since my brother’s passing out ceremony at Duntroon.
POO: Your brother’s in the army?
DANA: Well sort of. He’s a tank. Well, he’s only pretending really but they haven’t found out yet.
POO: They haven’t found out?
DANA: Well he can hit the target seven times out of ten. Which is more than real tanks can do.
The CackRonald Affair – Episode 7
Hello there, I’m Kevin the announcer. You probably don’t remember me; I’m just a disembodied voice that introduces each episode of Dr Poo and tells you all about the story so far. Except sometimes when I don’t feel like it.
POO: Kevin? Kevin! Oh, damn. Dana, have you got that clown suit on yet?
DANA: Yeah.
POO: Oh good, that means we must be up to the story so far.BOOZO: Psst? Hey pal? Got 20 cosmo cents for an old clown down on his luck? Just 20 cents and I can get a refill for me squirting flower.
POO: Get away from me, you disgusting old clown.
BOOZO: Hey look out matey, there’s one of them CackRonalds robot clowns right behind ya! I’ll get him! Take that!
POO: Leave my beautiful assistant alone, you festering jester.
BOOZO: Hey, it’s a girlie and she’s real.
POO: Well of course she’s real. Up to a point…
BOOZO: I’m sorry chief but I’ve seen so many of these fake robot clowns come in here and push us real clowns into the gutter. Well, I tell ya, I can’t take no more.
POO: Holy harpic. Is there no end to the list of victims of this hideous CackRonalds plague? This must be God’s secret mission for me – to rid the universe of…
KEVIN: Dr Poo!
The CackRonald Affair – Episode 8
POO: I’m here now, so you have nothing to fear.
DANA: Except fear itself.
POO: Very true, Dana.
DANA: And terror and panic and dread, oooh yes, dread can be pretty icky.
POO: Alright Dana.
DANA: And angst. Oh dear, there’s nothing worse than angst. Except maybe cosmic angst.
POO: Shut up Dana. You’re frightening this poor decrepit fool. What’s your name, O down and out baggy trousered one?
BOOZO: Boozo the clown. I use to be the most popular clown in the entire galactic cluster.
DANA: So what happened?
BOOZO: These CackRonald burger planets happened, that’s what! And with all their Donald CackRonald robot clowns, us real clowns just couldn’t compete.
POO: Of course. These hideous automated clowns have made you redundant.
This episode starts with a fantastic trick opening – Kevin the Announcer says “Hi Poo gang. Kevin the announcer here with another introduction to another episode of Dr Poo. I’ll just unwrap it…” and then his announcement plays again, at a higher pitch – and again, even higher – and again, until it explodes! Madness!
The CackRonalds Affair – Episode 9
In our last eftarousing episode, the Doctor pledged that he would expose the sinister forces that are behind the multi-galactic CackRonalds burger empire.
POO: Right Dana, now this is what you are going to do.
DANA: Me? I thought you were going to expose the sinister forces that…
POO: Shut up! You are the tool for my end.
DANA: I don’t like the sound of that…
POO: You are a clown.
DANA: No need to get personal.
POO: Oh!! You are dressed as a CackRonalds robot clown, Dana! And you are going into that CackRonalds burger kitchen, to find out where all that bland food and all these robot clowns and brainwashed waitresses come from. Ready?
DANA: Hang on – I’ve just got to put on my nose. There! How do I look?
BOOZO: You look just like a real Donald CackRonald clown!
DANA: Thank you sir. You are very kind.
POO: Great, Dana. The voice is perfect. You’d better take Denis with you, just in case you need an extra paw.
DENIS: Meow.
DANA: Where will I put him?
POO: Down the front of your baggy pants.
DENIS: Meow!
There then appears to be an episode or two missing from Phil’s collection, for the action jumps to a meeting of repressed clowns planning their revolt against Whopper Corporations.
