Dr Poo fan Phil Coy’s recordings of these episodes can be dated to July 1980. From one of Doug Mulray’s announcements, captured at the end of an episode, these episodes were being broadcast around 8.20am.
The CackRonald Affair – Episode 1
Luigi de Burgerini, proprietor of fast-food planet Greasy World, is being driven out of business by chains of CackRonalds hamburger planets…
LUIGI: Those bloody CackRonalds, they’re going to drive me out of birds nest.
POO: What?
DANA: I think he means business, Doctor.
POO: Well, so do I. I mean bees knees too. Don’t you worry, Luigi. Dana and I will clear up this dirty pekingese for you.
LUIGI: Eh?
DANA: I think he means business, Luigi.
LUIGI: Bloody terrific. That’s what I like about my friend the Doctor. When he says he means pekingese, he really means bus noise.
DANA: What?
POO: I think he means business, Dana, and so do I. This time I mean wildebeest teeth and don’t you forget it.DANA: Doctor, I’ve just picked up something from the cosmo scanner. I think it’s chicken pox.
POO: Well spotted, Dana. That means we’re getting close to this CackRonalds planet. I’d like to check this place out on the vidi screen before we land, so I’ll put the Turdis into hold and hover. Let’s see: shake, rattle and roll; rock ‘n’ roll; twist and shout; ah here it is, hold and hover.
The CackRonald Affair – Episode 2
It’s excitement plus the square root of tension minus a blob of jam on the bit of the script that says “the Turdis is in the grip of a Mr and Mrs Fine Force, which eminate from a shiny new hamburger planet.”
POO: Stop it Turdis. Stop being sucked towards that planet. Heel, I say, heel. You naughty Turdis, don’t you dare go near that planet. Oh it’s no good Dana, the Turdis refuses to respond to my commands!
DANA: Oh dear and we’re getting closer. Look on the vidi screen Doctor, the planet is orange and I’m wearing pink; we’re going to clash!
POO: Hold on Dana, this won’t be pretty!
POO: These new venbenders of hamburgers must regardening tools us as potential customers.
DANA: Well that’s OK by me. I’m so hungry I could eat a jockey.
POO: Eat a jockey?
DANA: Well, I don’t like eating horse, it’s a bit tough. But jockey? Mmm mmm!
The CackRonald Affair – Episode 3
Our heroes have alighted on a glossy new hamburger planet, where they have been met by some clown in a clown suit, Donald CackRonald. (“Hello and welcome and how are you, and isn’t life nice?”)
CACKRONALD: Have a nice time, the hamburgers are that way.
POO: Did you hear what he said, Dana? The hamburgers are that way. Hmm. Gay hamburgers!
DANA: Well, my Mum used to dish up camp pie, so I suppose it will be alright.GIRL AT COUNTER: Hello, can I help you?
POO: Ah yes. What have you got?
GIRL AT COUNTER: Well, we’ve got big cacks, we’ve got the cackronalds quarter ouncer or fish head burgers; nice clean poke you in the eye fries, sugar fry in sugar syrup with apple flavoured sugar; thick sludges and of course, cups of cackle cola.
POO: Well, we’ll have the lot. My friend’s very hungry.
DANA: I’m not that hungry.
POO: You’re starving.
DANA: But…
POO: Shut up Dana, you’ll expose my plot.
DANA: But my hands are above the counter!
The CackRonald Affair – Episode 4
Our fabulous hearing aids, Dinosaur Poo and Iguana Sick have just ordered up a mess of vittles at the counter of a new CackRonalds burger planet.
GIRL AT COUNTER: There you are sir. Would you like anything else?
POO: But you’ve given us one of everything on your menu! What else is there?
GIRL AT COUNTER: Nothing. Now sir, would you like anything else?
POO: What? But you just said that there wasn’t anything else!
GIRL AT COUNTER: That’s right sir. But I have this overwhelming compulsion to ask you – would you like anything else?
POO: Oh shut up, you stupid girl.
GIRL AT COUNTER: Fine, sir. Do you want me to shut up here or shall I take it away?
DANA: What’s wrong with her?
POO: Beats me Dana, eight to the bar.
The CackRonald Affair – Episode 5
The Doctor and Dana have sampled the fare at a CackRonalds burger planet and have found it lacking. And there’s something fishy behind the CackRonalds clowns…
POO: Look here clown, what’s behind you?
CACKRONALD: A rubber plant, sir, he said, swivelling his head and smiling. Eeeee!
DANA: He’s off his rocker, Doctor.
CACKRONALD: Rocker doctor, rocker doctor, rocker doctor, rocker doctor…
DANA: Oh look, there’s stuff coming out of his ears.
POO: He’s a robot!
DANA: A rotobaton.
POO: A what?
DANA: A robot, cretin.
POO: Yes , he certainly was a robot cretin. The stupidest robot I’ve ever met. Hand me my robot dismantling screwdriver, Dana. Tah. Stick it up his big red nose, a twist to the right, a shake to the left, do the hokey pokey and you turn right around and then you pull his clown face off. Leaping lavatories! It’s nothing but old meccano stuffed behind here!
