These 3 episodes are taken from a longer storyline featuring Caption Nemoss, which was later edited for an LP release. They have been transcribed here from an internal ABC tape of representative Dr Poo episodes, which gives their original sequential episode numbers.
Episode 228
Knees Ahoy! (cont)
When the TURDIS landed in the ocean and filled with water, unfortunately no one drowned. The Doctor and Denis came-to aboard a mysterious submarine. We now cross to said submarine where guess who is coming-to too.
DANA: Who?
KEVIN: You, dummy.
DANA: Oh, what happened? The last thing I remember is waking up in this strange room and trying to remember what happened. I know. I woke up in this room and remembered it. That’s what happened. I wonder what will happen next. (Knock at the door and the door opens) And there was a knock at the door and the door opened and a strange man stepped into the room and said…
NEMOSS: Hello mademoiselle, I trust you have made yourself a coffee table.
DANA: Where am I? Who are you?
NEMOSS: You are on my submarine, the SS Nautilegs or for short the hardy ha ha to you Jacques Cousteau eat your heart out but everyone knows her as Nancy, mais oui.
DANA: I don’t mind if I do.
(Dana and Nemoss waltz)
NEMOSS: You dance bovinely.
DANA: Aw bull.
NEMOSS: You fascinating creature. I have never wet anyone quite like you before. What is your name?
DANA: Dana. Dana Sock.
NEMOSS: And I am Captain Nemoss but when we’re alone you can call me Captain Nemoss.
DANA: When I’m alone you can call me whatever you like cause you won’t be there.
NEMOSS: Ho ho ho. You are so beautiful when you are stupid.
DANA: Thank you.
NEMOSS: I’m suppose you are wondering about your companions.
DANA: No.
NEMOSS: They are also safe aboard by submaroon along with your strange vesibulebule.
DANA: What.
KEVIN: I can’t underwear a shirt he sews. Why can’t the purple spruik the prunes Danish proper like the renderer of us does on Trocadero-Doo-oo!
Episode 229
Knees Ahoy! (cont)
Our waterlogged heroes and their TURDIS have been snatched from the jaws of Davy Jones’s Filing Cabinet by the unfathomable Captain Nemoss and brought aboard his mysterious submarine – The Nautilegs.
NEMOSS: Voila Mademoiselle La Sock. This is my great bankwarting hall. Here I hold my famous bank warts.
DANA: Ooah, there are vegetables all over the walls.
NEMOSS: Mais Oiu. This is an exact replica of the famous Hall of Marrows in the Palace of Versailles. Step inside love.
DANA: All right. Ow, ow, ow! (sound of Dana hitting glass) Why is the chandelier so low?
NEMOSS: Well I had to scale things down a bit. I mean the Nautilegs is only a submacaroon afterall.
FIRST MATE: Excusez-moi, mon Capitaine.
NEMOSS: Oiu, First Mate?
FIRST MATE: That’s right, I wee first and then I wash my hands afterrrr mate.
NEMOSS: Stop boating around the bosh. What do you want?
FIRST MATE: Your other guests are here.
NEMOSS: What? Parlez-vous francais when you talk to me.
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry, there’s guests or others await a vous.
NEMOSS: Well show them iin.
FIRST MATE: But Ian’s gone home mate.
NEMOSS: Oh in that case show them in.
FIRST MATE: Arr in you go mon hearties, arr.
NEMOSS: Welcome, mes amis.
DENIS: Meow.
DR POO: Ah ha, an exact replica of the Hall of Marrows from the Palace of Versailles. Ow. Except for the chandeliers.
NEMOSS: Oh I’m sorry the chandeliers are so Nick Lowe but I love the sound of breaking glass.
DANA: Doctor!
DR POO: (in a high pitched voice) Dana! (normal voice) I mean, Dana.
DENIS: Meow meow!
KEVIN: (in a high pitched voice) Well gang. (normal voice) wasn’t that exciting. I can hardly wait till the next episode of Dr Poo-oo!
Episode 244
Knees Ahoy! (cont)
The dreaded Captain Nemoss and the slightly water damaged Dr Poo stand on a tropical beach and prepare for a fight to the Finnish, or the Danish, or the Norwegian.
BJORN: Hello, I am Bjorn Free, famous Norwegian piano tuner. (Sound of gun firing and Bjorn falls dead)
KEVIN: No, I’ll think they will fight to the finish.
(Crowd murmurs)
NEMOSS: Silence. Choose the weapons Doctor.
DR POO: All right Nemoss, I choose banjos.
NEMOSS: So, duelling banjos. Very well and remember Doctor this is a fart to the death. Are you ready?
DR POO: I’m ready.
DANA: Good luck Doctor. Kill him.
DR POO: Thanks Dana.
NEMOSS: And a one and a two and a one, two, three…
(They duel to the music Duelling Banjos)
(Sound of punches thrown)
(Bell rings for the end of Round 1)
DR POO: How am I doing, Dana?
DANA: Well, you’ve opened up a big cut on his chin.
NEMOSS: That’s his mouth, Dana.
DANA: Ah.
DR POO: My banjo looks a bit knocked about, doesn’t it?
DANA: That’s because you keep hitting Nemoss on the head with it.
DR POO: That’s the object of the fight, Dana. We hit each other on the head with these banjos until one of us looks like Sylvester Stallone.
DANA: Ohh.
DR POO: I think I’ve got Nemoss worried.
DANA: Why? Did you tell him he left the gas on at home?
DR POO: No Dana of course I didn’t… Wait a minute, that’s a good idea. (Bell rings for second round) Hey, Nemoss?
NEMOSS: Oui?
DR POO: You left the gas on at home.
NEMOSS: No I didn’t! Or did I? Now let me think. I locked the back door and then I walked…
(Sound of banjo hitting Nemoss)
KEVIN: Well there you have it, ladies and gentle Poo! Captain Nemoss down and out in the second round from a banjo to the top of the head. And the winner and still grizzling champion is Muhammad Al Doctor, formerly Cassius, Poo-oo!
