These episodes have been transcribed
by Phil from Warren’s off-air recordings.
143. The Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time (1/29)
(OPENING TITLES)
Kevin
Hey punsy fans of the wonderful Poo
SOUND: Whoop
Hey fancy pans of the ponderful Woo
SOUND: Whoop
Hey wacky poos of the underwear fans
SOUND: Whoop
Hey
SOUND: Whoop
Hey, hey
SOUND: Whoop
Hey…
Dr Poo
I wonder what’s the matter with Kevin
SOUND: Whoop
…with Kevin today
SOUND: Whoop
…today
SOUND: Whoop
Dana
Pardon my ask
SOUND: Whoop
…my ask
SOUND: Whoop
…my asking you this Doctor but why do you have that funn…
SOUND: Whoop
…funny whoop in your voice?
Dr Poo
You
SOUND: Whoop
…should
SOUND: Whoop
…talk Dana. You’re doing it too
SOUND: Whoop
…too
SOUND: Whoop
…two, three, four
SOUND: Whoop
Dana
Aw, don’t be a
SOUND: Whoop
…be a
SOUND: Whoop
…be a silly billy
SOUND: Whoop
Dr Poo
It’s all right Dana, I understand what’s going
SOUND: Whoop
…going
SOUND: Whoop
…going
SOUND: Whoop
…going on.
Dana
What?
Dr Poo
It’s a series of shock waves, reverberating through time, Dana. A time tremor. It seems to be over now.
Dana
A time tremor.
Dr Poo
Yes Dana, it’s caused by some bits of time going slower than they ought to, and the bits of time coming up from behind running into them.
Dana
O well whose fault is it?
Dr Poo
Well morally it’s an open question depending on the case but legally it’s always the fault of the bit of time that’s coming from behind.
Dana
No whose fault is it? Who makes the bits of time go slower?
Dr Poo
O well, somebody’s probably forgotten to wind up The Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time. I suppose I’d better go and wind it up myself. If it runs down too much all the bits of time will pile up on top of each other and then everything that’s left to happen, will happen all at the same time.
Dana
Doctor, then there’ll be nothing left to happen ever again.
Dr Poo
That’s right Dana but don’t worry, it’s never happened before.
Dana
Before what?
Dr Poo
Before now. Eh, hold on, it is now, now! No it isn’t. It was now then, which means later is getting closer all time
SOUND: Whoop
…time
SOUND: Whoop
…time gentlemen please.
Kevin
Yes it’s time gentlemen please. Please finish your episode and leave quietly but be our guest for the next early opener of Dr Poo-
SOUND: Whoop
-oo!
MUSIC: End titles
144. The Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time (2/29)
(OPENING TITLES)
Kevin
The Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time is running down and it’s up to the Doctor to save the day and the night and the morning after and all of next week and everything after that.
Dr Poo
Are you sure you’ve got everything Dana?
Dana
Oh let’s see. There’s my piano, my chocolate coated map of Nepal, my orthopedic hat, my liquorice replica of Michelangelo’s David.
Dr Poo
Look Dana for this adventure we have to travel light.
Dana
No piano?
Dr Poo
No piano.
SOUND: Dana throwing out the piano
And Denis, I will not let you bring that symphony orchestra.
Denis
Meow.
Dr Poo
No!
Denis
Meow.
Dr Poo
All right, you can bring the woodwind section.
Woodwind SECTION
Oh goody, get your hand off my bassoon…
Dr Poo
Quiet! Now is everybody ready?
SOUND: Crowd cheers
Stop! Dana, put that crowd back into the refrigerator at once.
Dana
O Doctor.
Dr Poo
At once!
Gonzales
Oh bum. Come on everybody, back into the fridge.
SOUND: Crowd murmuring
Dr Poo
Now if you two have finally finished we’ll get started. Our destination is the Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time. To reach it we climb through this grandfather clock.
SOUND: Door opening and pendulum ticking
Follow me but be careful of the pendulum.
SOUND: Everyone squeezing past the pendulum
There. Did everyone get through all right? Good. We are now inside time itself. Stay close together and keep your eyes peeled.
Kevin
Attention! The Doctor’s instruction applies to only the characters in the serial. Do not, repeat, do not peel your eyes or you will not be able to see our next radio video of Dr Poo-oo!
MUSIC: End titles
145. The Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time (3/29)
(OPENING TITLES)
Kevin
The Doctor and Dananana, accompanied by the woodwind section of the Algerian Symphony Orchestra, with Denis the Denim Cat on comb and paper, have all clambered through the Turdis’s grandfather clock and are now inside time itself.
(Echo)
Dr Poo
At the centre of time is the mechanism that controls the passage of all events and their regularity.
Dana
Like All-Bran.
Dr Poo
No Dana I’m talking about a clock. The Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time and it needs winding. That is our mission.
Dana
O I’ve always dreamed of being a missionary.
Dr Poo
No Dana, we’re in a much more difficult position than your ordinary missionary. When I mounted this expedition I knew it was going to be hard but I have a feeling it will get harder the further in we go.
Dana
Will it still be hard coming back?
Dr Poo
No Dana it will be easier coming than going. I’ll unravel this bowl of spaghetti so we can retrace our steps. Right, have you got it?
Dana
No you’ve got it. I’ve got the meatballs.
Dr Poo
Ah good. Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time Expedition, ho.
MUSIC: Rolling Stones – Time is on my side
Dana
I love these old marching songs.
SOUND: Dana steps in something
Oooh.
Dr Poo
What’s the matter Dana?
Dana
I just stepped in something Doctor.
Dr Poo
O it’s just one of those Salvador Dali melted clocks.
Dana
O I’ve got half past six all over my shoes.
Dr Poo
That’ll wipe off.
SOUND: Dana wiping her shoes
Dana
Oo yuck. Now I’ve got time on my hands. Oh no, it’s all right, its run through my fingers.
Dr Poo
What was that time you stepped in Dana?
Dana
Half past six.
Dr Poo
Ah, then it’s dinner time. Share the time out Dana.
Crowd
Give us a minute will you. Ah, lovely time.
Dana
We’ll have a nice time.
Dr Poo
Anyone for seconds?
Crowd
Ah yes, yes.
Kevin
Well times up and it looks delicious. So set your timetable, put on your napkin for our next time consuming episode of Dr Poo-oo!
MUSIC: End titles
146. The Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time (4/29)
(OPENING TITLES)
Kevin
Doctor Poo’s expedition is trudging through the vast fat wastes of time itself, towards the Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time, which needs winding up before it runs down and brings the entire universe to a standstill.
Dana
Doctor, will we be in time?
Dr Poo
We’re already in time Dana; we’ve been in time since we climbed through the clock in the Turdis.
Dana
No Doctor, what I mean is, now that we’re in time will we be in time to wind up the Great Cuckoo thing of Time, before it runs out of time? Well it can’t actually run out of time, can it? Because it would get tired before it got to the edge.
Dr Poo
Dana you are making nonsense of the universal concept of time.
Dana
Well couldn’t it walk out of time, you could pet a time.
Dr Poo
But you can’t walk out of time Dana; remember what happened to Denis’ orchestra. There we all were walking in 2/4 time, when they started walking in 3/4 time and so now they’re off in some completely different time.
Dana
O yes I wondered where they’d gone.
Denis
Meow.
Dr Poo
Yes Denis I know you prefer 2/3 time but if you start doing that you’ll waltz off into a totally new dimension. Look, there’s only the three of us left. We’ll have to stick together.
SOUND: The Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time
Look Dana, there it is.
Dana
O yes, what is it?
Dr Poo
It’s the Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time.
Dana
O isn’t it pretty. I’ll take some snaps of it. Come on Doctor, you stand there and Denis there.
Denis
Meow.
Dr Poo
Dana, we’re on a mission of cosmic significance.
Dana
All the more reason to take a few snaps.
Kevin
Well they finally made it. They finally got to the… now what did the Doctor say it was again. The Great eunuch rehearsal cock up of all time? No, that’s not right. O well he’ll probably mention it again in the next alarming episode of Dr Poo-oo!
MUSIC: End titles
147. The Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time (5/29)
(OPENING TITLES)
Kevin
At the centre of time is a giant cuckoo clock, which keeps the universe running to schedule. Rubbish. Apparently this cuckoo thing is winding down and threatening to bring the whole universe to a grinding halt. Codswallop. The universe isn’t r u n n i n g d o w n…
Dr Poo
It’s getting worse Dana. It’s even affecting Kevin. Either that or his head needs demagnetizing. But fear not, now that we’ve reached the giant Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time…
Dana
The GUCCOT.
Dr Poo
The what?
Dana
The GUCCOT. That’s the initials – The Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time. I worked it out myself. I like using the initials cause it makes me sound clever. GUCCOT.
Dr Poo
Shut up Dana.
Dana
Shut up Dana. Let me see, S U D. Sud.
Dr Poo
Dana.
Dana
Very clever Doctor I never thought of that before. From now on when you want me to shut up, you can just say SUD and I’ll know exactly what you mean.
Dr Poo
O God, someone save me from this snail brain cretin.
Dana
Ogssmftsbc. No that’s a bit hard to remember. I’ll never remember that.
Dr Poo
Shut up!
SOUND: The Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time
Dana
O look what you’ve done now. You’ve upset the GUCCOT. Why is the cuckoo in a wheel chair? Is he sick? Oh poor thing.
Dr Poo
He can’t be sick Dana; it’s only a mechanical device.
Dana
Don’t say that, you’ll hurt its feelings.
Dr Poo
It hasn’t got feelings Dana; it’s just a mechanical…
SOUND: Cuckoo poops on Dr Poo
Oh, mechanical guarlo all over my scarf. The damn things pooped on me.
Dana
See.
Dr Poo
O let’s wind the damn thing up and get out of here. Now the key should be up here of the shelf. It’s not there! Damn and blast, someone’s stolen…
Kevin
Yes someone’s stolen the key to the GUCCOT.
Dr Poo
It’s the Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time, Kevin.
Kevin
You say the Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time, I say the GUCCOT. You say damn and blast and I say forget it. Forget it, the GUCCOT, the GUCCOT, forget it. Let’s call the whole thing Dr Poo-oo!
MUSIC: End titles
148. The Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time (6/29)
(OPENING TITLES)
Kevin
Well Poo fans, someone has stolen the key of time.
Dr Poo
Kevin I do think you should give the listeners a bit more detail.
Kevin
O right. Well gang, the Doctor is wearing a stunning little ensemble by Trench Napalm, tastefully set off by a long…
Dr Poo
Kevin, that’s not what I meant. You should be telling them that we’ve entered the dimension of time and journey to the Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time, which I have to wind up before… um, ah before the last bus leaves.
Dana
Bus leaves?
Dr Poo
Yes, they’re like tea leaves only bigger. But I can’t wind it up because…
Everyone
Someone’s stolen the key of time.
SOUND: Crowd cheers
Dr Poo
Thank you. However, if I remember right there is a second key but for safety purposes, the guardians of time had it broken down into its seven components. Which were them hidden in various Stuarts and Cranneys around the universe.
Dana
Careful Doctor, someone might be listening.
Dr Poo
Why do you say that Dana?
Dana
Well there’s a little man standing next to you with a tape recorder.
Dr Poo
What! I’ll teach him to spy on me.
SOUND: Dr Poo strangles Denis
Denis
Meow!
Dana
No Doctor, on the other side.
Dr Poo
Sorry Denis. Ah ha, here he is. I’ll teach you to spy on me.
Dr Wee
Hurro ah Dr Poo.
Dr Poo
Great dunnies above, it’s Dr Weeee.
Dr Wee
Ah so, we meet again ah Dr Poo. But this time I got you by the balls. Look here I have got first key of time.
Dr Poo
Holy harpic. You inscrutable universal oriental devil.
Dr Wee
And you will never assemble the seven little bits of second key of time, in time. Ah risten. The crock has stopped.
Dana
He’s right Doctor. It’s stopped ticking.
Dr Poo
No it hasn’t.
SOUND: Dr Poo kicks the Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time and it starts ticking
There! It’s still going.
Dr Wee
Not for rong Poo. It will stop eventuarry and then whole universe will be mine.
Dr Poo
Not while there’s breath left in this body.
Kevin
Why are you pointing at me, Doctor. You’re the big hero, remember? That’s why the show is called Dr Poo-oo!
MUSIC: End titles
149. The Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time (7/29)
(OPENING TITLES)
Kevin
Lots and lots of ten thousand micro mille mega seconds down into the bowels of time, Dr Poo confronts the evil and inscrutable Dr Wee.
SOUND: Gong
Dr Poo
So Dr Wee, you’ve stolen the key of time and now you think you can hold the universe to ransom.
Dr Wee
Collect, Poo.
Dana
Collect Poo?
DR Poo & DR Wee
Shut up Dana.
Dr Poo
Look, hand over that key Wee.
Dr Wee
All right.
SOUND: A kiwi
Dr Poo
No, I did not want a small flightless New Zealand bird. I wanted the key, Wee.
Dr Wee
Go bite ah your bum Poo. Ah ha ha ha.
Dr Poo
You may well laugh Dr Wee but you won’t find it so funny when the Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time runs down and the universe stops forever. And that will include all of us.
Dr Wee
Not ah me Poo. I have constructed my very own digital clock of time. It protect me from stopping when time run out. After universe finish, I reprace stupid old cuckoo clock with digital clock and then I have my own personal universe, which will run on eastern standard Dr Wee time.
Dr Poo
You mad oriental fiend. This insane scheme of yours will never work.
Dr Wee
Dr Poo, might I make a generous suggestion concerning certain part of your anatomy in unpleasant rendezvous with ah rough end of a pineapple. But enough of chit chat. I’m sure you want to be alone with universe in last few hours you have together. This is end of you, Poo and your precious GUCCOT.
Dr Poo
What?
Dr Wee
GUCCOT! I use initials of name of clock. It make me sound clever.
Dr Poo
How can you be so irresponsible, Wee. Remember the sacred oath of all Time Guardians. You swore never to call the Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time by its initials.
Dr Wee
Listen Poo, I got ah bruddy key of time, I call bruddy clock what I bruddy well like. I even call next bruddy episode of serial Dr Wee-ee!
MUSIC: End titles
150. The Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time (8/29)
(OPENING TITLES)
Kevin
Howdy Poo customers, it’s time to play – Save The Universe.
SOUND: Applause
And who’s our special guest villain for this adventure, Dana?
Dana
Well Kevin, its Dr Wee. And Dr Wee is an insane megalomaniac all the way from the planet Peeonyou. And his subject is – Destroying the universe by stealing the key of time, so that Doctor Poo can’t wind up the Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time, so this universe will cease to exist and he’ll replace it with his own.
Kevin
Thank you Dana. And the first line goes to Dr Wee
SOUND: Applause
Dr Wee
And about ah bruddy time. When I start up my universe, you will all be unemployed because this radio show will be called Dr Wee and will have completely new format.
Dr Poo
Not so fast Wee, I’ve got your cupboard.
Dr Wee
Come again? Dr Poo I mean I’ve got you covered, with this rat powered hair dryer. Thus hand over the key of time or I’ll do a quick blow job on you.
Dr Wee
Don’t make me laugh clever dick. I make hypnotic gesture.
SOUND: Harp
And you are completely under my power. Now I stand in empty milk bottle. Miss Sock you will please ignite my blue tack paper.
Dana
Yes Master.
SOUND: Dana lights paper
Dr Wee
Weeeeee!
Dana
Look at him glow. Isn’t he pretty.
Dr Poo
Snap out of it Dana. The fiend, he temporarily took control of our minds.
Dana
I didn’t feel a thing.
Dr Poo
That doesn’t surprise me
Dana
What do we do now Doctor? He’s taken the key of time.
Dr Poo
Well Dana, I’ll have to reassemble the seven little bits that make up the spare key of time. The only trouble is, I can’t remember where they are.
Kevin
O great, the whole universe faces imminent destruction and old poo for brains here, can’t find some little things that fit somewhere and do something or rather that saves everything. Well gang we all had better start praying to What’s His Name that the universe lasts until the next thing-a- ma-jig of Dr Poo-oo!
MUSIC: End titles
151. The Great Universal Cuckoo Clock of Time (9/29)
(OPENING TITLES)
Kevin
After their unnecessarily melodramatic confrontation with the ridiculously evil Dr Wee, Poo and Dana must set out to find the seven little bits of the spare key of time, so that they can wind up the universe.
Dr Poo
First, we have to get back to the Turdis. It’s a good thing I left this trail of spaghetti. Ok Dana, take a strand and start sucking.
SOUND: Dana starts sucking the spaghetti
Dana
Burp. Oh, ‘scuse I.
Dr Poo
Now we climb through the back of the grandfather clock.
SOUND: The Doctor opens the door and they squeeze through
Dana
O it’s so nice to be back in the Turdis.
Dr Poo
Now there must be some way we can trace the first little bit of the spare key of time.
Dana
It could be under the mat.
Dr Poo
It should be at a point in the universe where all the spacio temporal forces are in perfect equilibrium.
Dana
Here it is Doctor, under the mat.
Dr Poo
Some point of such cosmic significance that energy flows through it without even touching the sky. What did you say Dana?
Dana
I found the first bit Doctor. It was under the mat.
Dr Poo
Oh that’s just the note to the milkman.
Dana
No, listen to this. ‘Two milks, two choc milks, one cream and a strawberry yoghurt. PS This is the first bit of the spare key of time.’
Dr Poo
But that’s ridiculous, I don’t even like strawberry yoghurt.
Denis
Meow.
Dr Poo
O that’s right Denis, you’re the health food freak around here. What’s that you’re smoking Denis?
Denis
Reow.
Dr Poo
Well pass it over.
SOUND: The Doctor smokes the joint
Ahh. Wow what a flash, I now know the significance of the note. The second bit of the key of time is with the cosmic milkman. All cisterns go.
SOUND: Turdis takes off
Kevin
(Smoking the joint)
Wow what a buzz that was. But if you think that was good, wait to we open the um, ah, ahh the next little plastic bag of Dr Poo-oo!
MUSIC: END TITLES
